Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
[Music] he [Music] [Applause] [Music] he he he hey he hey he he [Music] hey [Music] good morning good afternoon good evening wherever you are in the world it’s Dr Jan Fortman with Relationship Matters TV. Happy New Year! You know I should have had my little happy New Year hat on, but Happy New Year to all of you out there. Uh, this is 2024, wow. So I’ve been hearing “Let’s Roar in 2024,” I’ve been hearing “More in 2024,” and then I heard this comedian say “Mo in 2024.” So whichever you want to say it, however you want to say it, I do hope that you roar in 2024 and that you have more of whatever it is that you desire in 2024. Before I go any further, I want to really thank all of you who sent your prayers, um, your texts, uh, put it in the chat, uh, all over Facebook, my, uh, just friends from all over the world actually that sent your prayers for my husband’s recovery, and he is recovering. He is doing just wa so great, so I really want to thank all of you. Well today, for all of you out there who are married or who want to get married, I have a couple on here today that’s going to talk about how to keep your marriage together, how to be happy, just the whole bit. So let me tell you a little bit about them before I bring them on. Well, it’s Chad and Lenell Oinga. So as they take you into their life and show you how they used obstacles that most would have let stop them into opportunities to enrich their love using their 26 years of experience, they take you into their world to show you how to build a bulletproof marriage and life. Having taken their relationship from hellish to heavenly, and I want to hear about that, they will guide us on how to make lasting changes that will revive the passion, trust, and communication within your marriage. Chad and Lenell do this through their Inside Out approach. Like a thermostat regulates the temperature, as you dive within and embark on this journey of healing, self-discovery, and raising your energetic vibration, you will begin to regulate the temperature of your life and relationship. So regulate it to hot, hopefully. Anyway, unlike many of their shows, this is my first—what, this is 2024, my lips going BL. Anyway, unlike many shows, the My Bulletproof Marriages duo is taking their audiences, and we’re going to talk about their show, behind the scenes into their daily lives so they can show the world what a healthy marriage looks like, also how to navigate conflict and life’s random curveballs. And you know life can throw you a bunch of curveballs, but they’re going to talk to us and really tell us all who, like I said, who are married, uh, who’s thinking about marriage, and I hope it’s a couple of people who I know who are thinking about getting married. I really hope that you will tune in, that you will watch today. So let me bring them on stage. They’re back in the, um, green room having snacks, so you all put your snacks down and put your drinks down, non-alcoholic, non-alcoholic, yeah, and so come on. All right, hello, how are you?

Chad and Lenell Oinga
I’m wonderful, how are you?

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
I’m doing just great, I’m doing just great, great, great. So I’m gonna say a little bit about Chad, so just to give you a little background on who Chad is, because when I read all this, I’m like, like what? And Lenell. So Chad is a retired army sniper and he’s an instructor. He has had the unique opportunity to teach and train every branch of the military. They’re probably help you in your marriage, uh, the FBI, US DEA, and SWAT teams, OMG. Uh, and now Chad speaks at schools and detention centers across the country to inspire our youth to become the best version of themselves and achieve greatness in their lives. Welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome, and thank you for your service.

Chad Oinga
Oh, you’re welcome, you are welcome. It was my pleasure.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And Lenell, uh, wait Chad, I’m going to say, and your better half.

Chad Oinga
My better half, I don’t always, you know what, I agree now. You know, like years ago, I wouldn’t agree to that.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
You know, I gotta say that because I’m a woman.

Lenell Oinga
Amen, you know, like I said, I understand, I get it, I’ll take my flowers, I’ll take my flowers now, you know.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So I always say whenever, uh, I talk to a guy and, uh, he’s married, I always ask, so how is your better half?

Lenell Oinga
Love, I see. And, um, you know, what was challenging to me about you, that you were a stay-home mom for 13 years.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
That’s combat.

Lenell Oinga
Amen, amen.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, that was going to war every day.

Lenell Oinga
There was no break.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And it wasn’t with the enemy.

Lenell Oinga
Right, right, right, right, it wasn’t with the enemy.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So first of all, how long have you all been married?

Lenell Oinga
19 years.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Wow.

Chad Oinga
Go ahead.

Lenell Oinga
Oh no, but we’ve been together or in each other’s life for like 27 years.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, wow, so 27 years, so you must have met her when she was what, 10 years old?

Chad Oinga
14.

Lenell Oinga
Oh, I appreciate that, but she was 14, I was 15.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
14, I wasn’t far off.

Lenell Oinga
You weren’t, you weren’t.

Chad Oinga
We met young, we met young.

Lenell Oinga
Yeah, yeah, I was 14 in home economics actually.

Chad Oinga
Well no, in the hallway.

Lenell Oinga
Okay, in the hallway, home economics. She was trying to hook me up with some other girls.

Chad Oinga
I was the new kid, so my, yeah, my, my past is very checkered in my younger days and my mother put me through a lot of stuff. She ended up going to prison and my house was raided and so when I finally came back, they made me go to a school out of my district because of all the trouble that my family had gotten into and that’s where she was. And I was the new kid, so of course, you know, eyes are on the new kid and the girls, some of the girls thought I was cute or whatever and she came over to try to be a matchmaker.

Lenell Oinga
I was like, which one you want? Like, let me know, I got you.

Chad Oinga
And he was like, no, I’m good and walked away and I was like, that is, that’s different. If I say that to any of these other guys here, they’re like, yeah, for real, you got me now, thank you, because I knew everybody. So I was like, I got you, but he wasn’t interested. And then the last period of the day was biology and he happened to be in there and I was like, I’m not gonna lie, I was like, hey white boy, what you doing? And then we just started talking and he finally told me his name so I wouldn’t call him white boy anymore.

Chad Oinga
She still did.

Lenell Oinga
I still, she still did, she still does, not did, she still does. And so we just started, we were friends, we were friends for a very long time, a very long time.

Chad Oinga
Tried to date.

Lenell Oinga
We tried to date.

Chad Oinga
Tried to date.

Lenell Oinga
The town that we lived in was not pro white and black relationships.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
I was going to ask you about that.

Chad Oinga
Yeah, and so the year before I had gotten to the school, they actually had race riots in the school where like the police had to come and tear gas people and it was bad. So there was already a lot of tension in the school before I even showed up, you know, we kind of tipped that over. And so they, I was on probation due to all of the trouble I had been into before I got there and there was a lot of people that wanted to fight me and, you know, or talk like they wanted to fight me and then when they would see me, they of course wouldn’t do it or they would try to get like 15 of their cousins to come and then they still wouldn’t fight me. It was one of those deals, you know, kids, they talk a lot, but she was afraid that I would go back to jail. So we ended up breaking up and just remaining really close friends throughout high school after that point.

Lenell Oinga
Yep.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Wow, so Lenell, what did your friends think about you going with this white boy?

Lenell Oinga
You know, my friends, one, they knew I didn’t date anybody in town. I wasn’t going to date anybody, one, because my family know everybody. So I was too afraid that I would have hooked up with somebody and the next, you know, it would have been Ken and I was like, I can’t do that.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Right.

Lenell Oinga
But I figured I was safe because he white, so he, you know, he’s good, you should be fine. But no, I got a lot of white people in my family, so I was like, okay, I’m not good, I’m not safe there. But you know, they really didn’t say much. They were like, he’s really quiet. That was their biggest thing. They were like, he’s really quiet and I’m very talkative, you know, I’m like, I’m an extrovert. So I’m like, hey, what you doing? Let’s go out, let’s do this. He’s very much an introvert. And so that was their biggest thing, like, what do you guys have in common? Like, what do you like about him? Like, I’m y’all so opposite, I don’t understand that. And I’m like, no, but I love being around him. There is something about him that I just feel at peace with. Like, I feel like he’s going to protect me. I knew that, like, I knew no matter who was going to come around me, like, I’m protected. And that was just being my friend. So I just, I didn’t want him to get in any trouble. And I was really nervous for him because I knew that he was not going to back down. And I was like, he’s going to end up fighting them. They might not want to fight him, but eventually he’s gonna want to fight them. So let’s just break up, let’s just be friends and let’s see where it goes from here. And then, yep, I turned 18 and I was an adult and we ran into each other and you know what he said? Hey, let me take you on a date. And I was like, okay, I sound good. I thought we were going to McDonald’s. Like, I was like, he ain’t got no money. I was like, we going to McDonald’s. So I had jeans, t-shirt, my hair was in the ponytail, no makeup on, just sneakers on. And my mom came when I was about to come out. She said, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, no, no, no, go back, go back. You need to change and you need to get yourself together. You going on a real date. And I was like, he don’t have no money. We going to McDonald’s. I’m not getting dressed up to go to McDonald’s. And she was like, if he takes you to McDonald’s, he’s gonna be the best looking dressed man in McDonald’s. And I was like, what? And she’s like, yes. She’s like, he came to impress. So she told him to wait, talk to my father while I got myself together. She helped me, we got my, I do my hair, makeup, we got myself stuff together. I came out and he was in a full suit, full three-piece suit, dozen roses.

Chad Oinga
Yes.

Lenell Oinga
Was having a great conversation with my father. And I was just like, wow, where we going? And he was take, he took me to, at that time, it was like the most like elegant restaurant we had in town. And he took me there and we had so much fun. And then after he said, I want to take you to my favorite place, which was on top of the mountains. We were from Shenandoah Valley in Virginia and the Blue Ridge Mountains. Yeah, I think most people would know about the Blue Ridge Mountains. So we went there and he showed me the SES and it was so beautiful. And then I was like, well, I got to work the next morning so you can take me home. And he did and he was such a gentleman. Nothing happened. It was like, I just felt so at peace with him as always. And so then the next day I called him, I got off work and I was like, you want to come over? And he was like, yeah. I was like, all right. And he came over and he never left.

Chad Oinga
Yeah, we’ve been, he never left. We’ve been rocking ever since.

Lenell Oinga
Ever since.

Chad Oinga
But you know, you know, most people, they’re on the dating side. So anybody that’s watching and you’re dating, one of the biggest things, you can call me old-fashioned if you want, but no one brings their A game to court the person that they want to be with. And it’s, you know, one, it makes you feel like a million dollars when you dress up and you’re smelling good and you kind of go out of your way to do all of these things. It makes you feel a certain way, but it also, you know, I think that it communicates how special that person is that you’re going to go see. It shows that, you know, they’re not just a random person, right? They’re in a different league and that’s why you’re doing all this because you see the value in them. So anybody that’s on the dating side, you might want to take a tip to and show up with your A game.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
You know, that’s wonderful, wonderful, wonderful advice because the way you show up definitely impresses the woman.

Chad Oinga
100%.

Lenell Oinga
Yes, not only did it impress me, but it impressed my parents.

Chad Oinga
Right.

Lenell Oinga
They were very impressed that this young man at 19 years old showed up in a full suit with a dozen roses, like clean cut, car was clean. They were just like everything. I mean, yeah, I was like, chivalry is not dead and I appreciate that. And still to this day, when men hold open, when men hold the door open for me, I tell them, I’m like, yo, chivalry is not dead. Thank you so much. When the young boys do that, I tell them the same thing. I say, you keep doing that. I’m always trying to just one, encourage men to, you know, be men, right? Be respectful, you know, like show women that you appreciate who we are, what we have done for you all. And that, you know what, this young boy mentality that has circulated, right, this world for, I would say, shoot, what, two decades now, it needs to go away.

Chad Oinga
It needs to shift.

Lenell Oinga
It does, it needs to shift.

Chad Oinga
I say this about the car door open. See, men are about respect. That’s what we value the most is respect. And how can the woman respect you if you’re not showing them or, yeah, showing them how valuable they are? It’s one of those things. If you do this, you’re going to get the right results. And that’s why I’ve always opened the door for her. I’ve always tried to be a gentleman because that’s what’s going to, in return, give me what I need, which is the respect from the person that I’m with, which is, of course, my wonderful wife, you know.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, yeah, I agree with that. And like you say, if a young man opens the door for me or holds the door, I always say, oh, thank you so much. Yes, I appreciate that, you know.

Chad Oinga
Yeah, you are right.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So, okay, so you are going out. So how long did it take before you all decided to get married?

Lenell Oinga
Not even six months.

Chad Oinga
Not even six months.

Lenell Oinga
It was quick, quick, quick, quick.

Chad Oinga
Well, that was the first, no, that was the first engagement.

Lenell Oinga
Yeah, we, because, so, so I was trying to clean up my life. So she kind of put, gave me an ultimatum because when I, when we first met, I was still selling drugs. I was in the streets a lot because that’s all I knew growing up. I was very, a very rough kind of guy. I knew trouble, I knew the streets, and that’s just what I knew. You know, I can’t really say anything other than what the truth is. But I wanted to change because she was like, hey, if you want to be with me, you got to go get a job. You need to make some shifts. I like you, I love you, but this, this ain’t going to work. So I took that literally and I stopped doing all of that, got a job, but I also got into church because I didn’t trust myself to make good decisions because of all the trouble I’d already been into. Unfortunately for me, the church that I got into, the pastors there were very manipulative and it was a small congregation and they were literally controlling the whole congregation’s lives. I mean, outside of the church, they wanted control over how they lived their life. And because I didn’t know myself, I just trusted it. I trusted that God was speaking through them. They must be telling me this because that’s what God wants me to do. And finally, one day they, they said, hey, you, you and Lenell can’t be together. Y’all, y’all have had sex prior to marriage or prior to you getting married. And that’s a no go, you know, this isn’t right. God doesn’t like this, whatever, blah, blah, blah. And so me being a person trying to make the right decisions, I called off the engagement. I broke up, I told her why. And of course it hurt her, but she took it in stride. She really did. She wasn’t like hateful toward me because I think she knew my heart. But soon she, she ended up leaving the church because she couldn’t handle how controlling the pastors were. She was like, look, this is just, it’s not for me, you know, this. And she, like she always says, that’s not what God looks like, you know, God, God doesn’t work like that. As soon as she left, it kind of woke me up as well. And I was like, yeah, this, I’m not happy. I’m not happy living like this. I know who I want to be with. I know that we are good together. And this was really our first hurdle, I would say, in our relationship that we had to get over outside the stuff in school, which that was just kids stuff. But this was, you know, we were young adults, we’re trying to make a life together. And people that, that we gave authority in our life is saying, no, you know, this, this isn’t right. And I finally left the church and came back to her and I said, look, I’m sorry, I should have never done this. I want to be with you and I want to make it right. And that’s what we did. And probably six months from this, then we, well, we ended up getting pregnant, you know, we got a little excited after that. And, you know, things got a little hot and heavy, probably took her back up to the mountains and did something else other than sightsee. And we got a little, we got a little pregnant, you know.

Lenell Oinga
Not a little bit, got a whole bunch pregnant.

Chad Oinga
Very pregnant. But at that point, I didn’t, I really didn’t want my kids to grow up without like a stable family. I didn’t want a repeat of my life, you know, I didn’t know my, didn’t meet my dad until I was 40, you know, so yeah. And my mom OD’d when I was really young. So it was just, you know, one of those things. And I, I didn’t want it to, to be a cycle that I just continued. So I was like, we got to get married.

Lenell Oinga
He did, you know, and right away.

Chad Oinga
Yeah, he was like, I need to get married. We need to get, we’re pregnant and I want to marry you anyway. So let’s just, let’s go ahead and just move the wedding up. I was like, okay.

Lenell Oinga
We were already, yeah, because we, we already got reengaged. So we went ahead, it was like six months, him and my mom had planned the whole wedding within six months and we were ready.

Chad Oinga
Yeah, we were, we were, we would have got married probably within four months, but somebody already had the date that we chose. So then we were like, okay, five months and somebody already chose the date. So we’re like, okay, what about this date? And then that date settled and then it was like, okay, let’s get married. And we did, we got married six months later and then had our daughter three months after that.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
You know, it just shows that when two people come together and they’re really meant to be with each other, it doesn’t take like five years or, you know, I mean, you know, when you know, you know.

Lenell Oinga
When you know, I always say that, I really do. I say, I felt like I met Chad before I met him when I was 14. And I think that’s why I really feel at peace with him. I always tell him like, there’s something about you and I, like our connection, our energy, like me just being right next to him. I don’t have to be like on him, but just me being right next to him, there’s like this energy, this connection that just flows through us. And I’ve always had that with him, nobody else in my life, but with Chad. And I’m like, yeah, I think I met you in a different life before we came here.

Chad Oinga
Yeah, we, yeah, we, we do, we have a, a strong connection. But you know, this story with the church, if you know, for the ones listening that are, are dating, you got to, you got to do what makes your heart happy and what settles right with you within you, you know, within your heart. The, the problem is that everyone has an opinion on your life and they, they, they can, they can guide you, but they can’t guide themselves, right? Which doesn’t add up. There’s got to be a time where you, you decide to follow your own heart and get on your own path and stop trying to be on somebody else because you might be on a path, but if it’s not yours, you’re still lost. So that’s, that’s what we did. And we realized it’s us against the world and, and that’s okay with us as long as we are resonating and aligned with what, what we’re doing and how we’re moving, then everybody else can do it and say whatever they want. We’re going to continue to move that way.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So, and what I’ve told a couple of young people, uh, who are in relationships, it’s not supposed to be hard. You, you know what I’m saying? It’s, it really isn’t, it’s not.

Lenell Oinga
Right.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And in other words, when I say hard, I mean, you’re not supposed to be going through heartbreak.

Lenell Oinga
Right, right, right, right.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And, and that’s number one. And, and, and number two, you, if you, if you, if it doesn’t really feel right, like they say, those red flags.

Lenell Oinga
Yes.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, yeah. If the red flags are just waving in the breeze, you know, but you trying to change it, you know, that it, that that’s not the person for you. But I have a comment here that came in for what we were talking about opening doors and Rita Dixon says, I love being treated like a lady. Something as simple as opening a door makes a beautiful impact.

Lenell Oinga
Amen, Rita, that is so right. That is so right.

Chad Oinga
You know, I think that the, a lot of the relationship struggle, we were actually just talking about this earlier today, people are getting into relationships because that relationship gives them a benefit of some sort. It might be sexually, financially, there’s something that, that this relationship does that elevates them in some form or fashion, but they don’t really like the person. They don’t, you know, and this is a complicated thing because when you, especially when you’re young and hormones are going, sometimes you don’t know the difference between love and lust.

Lenell Oinga
Yeah.

Chad Oinga
But, and you know, we all go through that. But what I would, you know, implore people to do is find out that, that truth, right? Is do I really want to spend my life with this person, go through the ups and downs that life’s going to throw? Is this somebody I like, I want to have a conversation with consistently, not just get something from, but really be with, you know? And when you break it down like that, sometimes the choices that you are making, you, you step back and say, hold on, what am I doing? Right? Like just because maybe the bedroom is nice and everything else is not nice, maybe I should go find somebody that’s got all the ceg qualities, right?

Lenell Oinga
You know, I tell, I, I tell my daughter that actually, I just had this conversation with her yesterday about that because she’s 18. And I was just like, young lady, let me tell you something. I was like, he could be great in the bedroom, but if he don’t have his finances right, if he’s abusive to you emotionally, mentally, I was like, honey, I wouldn’t stay. I wouldn’t even, even give it a chance. If you see how he’s treating somebody else and you know that they ain’t right, I wouldn’t even give him a chance.

Chad Oinga
Right.

Lenell Oinga
I was like, I was like, you have to be self-aware at all times about how you’re observing this person, observe everybody that you’re around. And that’s the biggest thing. I don’t think people observe them long enough. You just jump into relationships and you don’t really get to know the person prior to you jumping into a relationship. And that’s the one thing I’ll say is that my friendship with him was so important. Like it was, it was actually more important over my marriage. I was like, no, me and you may break up. I was like, but my friendship with you is keen. I need that because like he is the first person I think when something good happens, I want to call him and tell him about it. When something happens, when I’m, when something bad happens, he’s the first person I think of. Like he is my, my go-to, he’s my bestie. When I need just a, a shoulder to cry on, he’s my person. And I just like being around him. Sometimes I’m just with him and we don’t even say anything. And that’s how I think that most people need to understand that’s how you know that you might have found that person because you don’t always need to try to conjure up this conversation. You don’t always have to, like if you’re always trying to figure out what to do outside the home, if you’re always trying to figure out we need to be doing something, we need to have people around us, we can’t just be by ourselves, ding, ding, ding, red flag, red flag.

Chad Oinga
100%.

Lenell Oinga
We can be by ourselves. We can both be reading books and be happy as a happy.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, and you know, and you, you’re so right about that. I was talking to someone who’s, um, in a relationship, young person in relationship, and, um, he was telling me that, uh, because the young lady has come with so much baggage from, you know, being, I, I would say verbally abused and, uh, her husband twice, two husbands played on her and stuff like that, that with him, she’s real clingy. And so his thing was, she just wants to stay up under me all the time and I cannot take this. And I said, well, if you cannot stand for her to be around you 24/7 and you all talk about getting married, that’s 24/7.

Lenell Oinga
Right.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And if, and if you like when, you know, she went on vacation and you were like, oh, it’s just so nice just, just to be by myself and just to, I’m like, ah, yeah, that’s definitely a red flag.

Lenell Oinga
Yeah, that, yeah.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, even though you, you say she’s a really very nice person, this, that, and the other, I’m like that, you know, there’s a lot of nice people out here.

Lenell Oinga
Yeah.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, I’m just saying.

Lenell Oinga
Right.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
There’s a lot of nice people out here, but that doesn’t mean I need to be with them.

Lenell Oinga
Right.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
I don’t need to get married, you know, I, you gotta think, that’s what people have to start thinking to themselves, like this is 24/7, this is bad, good, this is like you about to die, not right, like that. We have, we’ve had moments of death in our family, right? And we’ve been faced with that. And yet we both had to say, okay, like this, some, this is real, like our friendship is what got us through so many of these challenges that, like you mentioned in, in, in the intro, is like we have faced so many things that normal people just usually don’t have to come up against. But if it wasn’t for our friendship, if it wasn’t for that connection, it would be chaos. And, and the thing is, we’ve seen it in so many other couples that had, uh, something similar or even less happened in their lives. And that thing separates them, turns them against each other. Next thing you know, they’re getting a divorce or fighting every day. And, you know, they’re running around, you know, uh, just miserable because they didn’t take the time to really like the person that they entered this relationship with.

Lenell Oinga
You gotta be friends. You, you gotta be friends.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So look, um, I’m gonna take a quick commercial and then when we come back, uh, I want to know number one, why you called it, why you had, why you named it My Bulletproof Marriage. And, and then I also want, I know that you have a course and I want to want you to, you know, to let people know about your course and how you have, I know you have changed some lives.

Chad Oinga
Yes.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, so don’t go away, don’t go away. We will be right back. So if you want a bulletproof marriage, you better stay around so you can have a bulletproof marriage. Do we have a bulletproof marriage?

Chad Oinga
Yeah.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
He thumbs up. Alrighty, be right [Music] back. [Music] [Music] oh [Music] wow, both of those books are very, very appropriate to, uh, the theme of our show today, having a bulletproof marriage. So let’s bring back Chad and Lenell. All right, right. So now how did you come up with that name?

Lenell Oinga
Well, she actually came up with it. I was actually thinking about everything we’ve been through with our, in our marriage, you know, for the first 10 years, it was horrible. And that was because we were young, we had two young children, we were both insecure, you know, we had trauma coming into the, into our marriage. And then our daughter had a stroke within that 10 years. And so we were faced with having to, you know, get her through rehabilitation. We had two small children, one actually was non-verbal for eight years. And then our fourth child, he actually had it, people would think they were tantrums, but they weren’t. He just didn’t know how to regulate his emotions. And he was diagnosed on the autism spectrum. And so he, you know, had a lot of sensory issues, lots. And so we were battling going through that. And then we had our fourth child, right, that we had a very early age. And he just wants a normal life. He just wants to be a normal kid with a normal life. Yet he’s got these three siblings and he’s like, man, this is a lot. But we did our best, uh, to, I try to keep him in sports that he wanted to do, anything he wanted to do with school, I said yes to. I just wanted to just make sure that he knew that he wasn’t left out. And so going through all of that, Chad in the military, Chad getting out the military, retiring, he didn’t want to retire, um, going through PTSD, uh, then Chad got hit off his motorcycle twice, 2018, 2020, he got hit off his motorcycle. That really changed the trajectory of our life when all of that happened with him getting hit for the second time. And him, I flat, he flatlined twice. And then they said, when I picked, when I came to the hospital, they said, yeah, he won’t walk for 18 months. And you know, all the, you know, all this negative energy and everything that they were saying was negative. And I was just like, I don’t believe that. Like, I never believed anything they said. I never believed even when he came to the hospital the first time, the first hospital they brought him to, everybody else was crying and everybody was like, oh, it looks so bad. I don’t think he’s going to make it. I mean, they, and I just was calm and collective. I was soothing everybody else. And everybody’s like, why are you soothing us? And he’s your husband. I said, because I just know I’m so connected to him. I just know that he’s gonna get through this. I know that. And I was just kind of worried about what my kids would go through emotionally dealing with the fact that their dad wasn’t coming home. And at that time, I didn’t know when he was gonna come home. So once they give me, you know, the rundown of what I’m gonna have to do to help him, he couldn’t use the bathroom by himself. He couldn’t shower by himself. We had to teach him how to walk again, just everything. And we went through all of that.

Chad Oinga
Let me tell you something before she even finished it. She, this woman is a superhero because when our daughter had a stroke, they told her that she would never walk, talk, or eat ever on her own again. And she does all of those things. We had three kids in therapies all at the same time for different things. And when we got finally, we got home, CU, it’s a whole thing. They separate, we were in a different country when she had the, the stroke. And so we got separated ’cause she was 38 weeks pregnant, gave birth to our third child while our daughter was fighting for her life in ICU. And then we got separated because of passports and all of this other stuff. We finally come back together and the Army wants their pound of flesh. I gotta go back to work. They’re only going to give me so much time and they want the full Chad, right? I gotta go and give them everything, which left her juggling all of this stuff, right? Finances, the whole nine yards. And then when I had my wreck again, same deal. She still had three kids in therapy, still had the finances. And now she’s got a grown man that she has to teach how to walk, shower, you know, help use the bathroom, do things that most people don’t have to do for their spouse. So, you know, I just want to shout her out real quick because she doesn’t get enough credit for, and, and most women don’t get enough credit for what they do in their marriages, for their family, for the kids. And so we’re bulletproof because we were able to adjust through all of that stuff. And then when we, we finally found a, a recipe, we call it a recipe, right? It’s just like you’re in the kitchen, you got the right recipe, you get the right results every single time as long as you’re using the recipe like it calls for, right? And we finally, we had to go through all of these ups and downs to create that recipe. And I think that God put us through that so that way we could give a time-tested recipe so others don’t have to, they don’t have to go through the ups and downs. They don’t have to go through eight years of fighting and arguing and rushing and all this other stuff. So, you know, and that’s what basically motivated her to say we’re bulletproof because we’ve been hit a lot. We’ve been hit a lot.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And so tell me about the recipe.

Chad Oinga
Well, so I know you have six core principles.

Lenell Oinga
No, six ingredients.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, okay, there you go.

Lenell Oinga
In your recipe.

Chad Oinga
Yeah, we, we have eight that we kind of fully go over. And, and so like we go over our mindset first. Uh, what we realize is kind of what she said before, we both came into our marriage with a lot of negative thinking, a lot of negative trauma in our life. And what people don’t realize is your partner becomes kind of like a mirror to you. And so all of these unresolved issues that came from your childhood, other relationships that failed, whatever has happened in your life, it begins to come out and you are pointing your finger at your partner like you did this, that, that, but really it’s just you’re looking at all the things that you never fix within yourself. All right. And, and until you look at those things and you, it’s hard to see it. And that’s why this kind of is not always accepted by a lot. They’re like, no, no, my partner is, you know, they’re the worst, they do this and this. But when you really sit down with us and we can break this down, you begin to see that, oh man, yeah, this is me seeing me.

Lenell Oinga
Yep.

Chad Oinga
Right. And, and it’s a hard reality, but we, so we, we hit on, um, self-belief. That was our second one because it goes kind of in order. We try to put it in order for people to really focus on themselves first. And then let’s go on your self-belief. What do you believe about yourself? When you look yourself in the mirror, what do you see? You know, when you’re talking to yourself, when, what is your, what is that your ego telling you? We got, we got to dive into those things. What are you believing that somebody else told you about you? What do you believe about marriages? Okay. What have you seen? Okay. What have you seen about how a man’s supposed to treat you or how a woman’s supposed to do? You know, we, I had core, I had beliefs about what a marriage supposed to do, what I was supposed to do was the man. I thought I was supposed to make the money and then come home. I don’t know and do nothing, I guess. And then wake up early and go get the money. And that’s what I was taught as a kid, right? That’s what a man’s supposed to, oh, and open the door, be respectful, treat her like a queen, but go get that money. That’s your job. Your job is the money. Make sure that you sacrifice all of your time ensuring that they have a good life. And that’s all you’re supposed to do. They don’t talk about all the other areas that a man needs to fulfill their, their wife in, right? Uh, and then the next thing we, we talk about communication because probably 95% of relationships fail because of a horrible communication. And we know firsthand because we couldn’t communicate to save our life, right? You know, no one taught us. We, we went through counseling, premarital counseling, but we didn’t take it serious like a lot of couples. We just, we think we got it. It never happened to me, whatever happened to 90% of everybody else. Oh man, I’ll beat those odds because they don’t know we’re really in love. Okay. Our love, it’s strong. Okay. And we thought the same way until you get in the situation and you don’t know how, you never taught how to be able to communicate in a positive manner. So we, we hit, um, we hit that extreme ownership. That was another thing, like taking ownership of your part in the relationship. We had to do that.

Lenell Oinga
That’s that, it’s hard. It’s really hard when you want to blame the other person and say, no, everything is your fault. But you got to think, no.

Chad Oinga
And it gets easier to be honest with you once you start doing the other things, you know, the other ingredients.

Lenell Oinga
Apply the other ingredients before you apply this. So we started doing that extreme ownership, say, you know what, I am sorry for this. I believe in that. I don’t like when people say, I’m sorry. What are you sorry for? I want to know that you have an understanding of what you did. So please give me that explanation behind that sorry, you know, and apologize sincerely and mean it so that, you know, I know that you learned your lesson and that you won’t do it again. And if you do it again, okay, got it. How many times I’m going to keep allowing you to do that thing over and over again before I know that you’ve actually understood that. So that’s another thing.

Chad Oinga
Yeah. And then we, we hit goal setting. We, we believe that it’s good for couples to have goals within their relationship individually and as a family, if they, you know, especially have kids and stuff like that. It’s good to have a roadmap of the direction that you are, you want to go and the things that you want to accomplish. Uh, number six would be the art of shifting. This is our, so this our bread and butter. That’s what we always say. It’s our bread and butter through our, her whole journey of military life, especially once our daughter had the stroke, we had to quickly learn how to shift. It was like we were one day skipped, she’s walking to school, we were good. They called us, hey, something’s going on with your daughter, come here. Okay, we come and before you know it, we never go back home. Never. We never make it back home. We’re, we’re sent to another, what it was, another city in, in Germany and we never, yeah, we never left. And we had to ask a friend that we just met like two months ago to please take our oldest son, get him from school and take him home and watch him. We had to believe that they were going to, you know, do right by him because we were had to be with our daughter. We had no way to get back. And so we had to really shift and learn how to just live life, you know.

Lenell Oinga
Yeah. Shifting, people think shifting is compromise and it’s not.

Chad Oinga
And, and we, no, the, if you look up the definition of shifting, it’s changing the focus, right? Of, of whatever it is. And that’s what we’ve had to do is like when we were, uh, with our daughter when she had stroke, we would go to Starbucks and have a date at Starbucks, walk around the atrium and talk about the goals and, and how our daughter’s going to walk again and lift each other up in the middle of the hospital. That’s how we had a date, you know, and, and we just learn how to shift and, and how to make those adjustments, how to turn obstacles into opportunities. So, um, and then we definitely hit intimacy.

Lenell Oinga
Okay. Intimacy because, you know, we were hot and heavy young on, right? We were young, young kids. We like, yes, of course. Yeah, this is all good. We’re lusting after each other. We can’t get enough of it. My mom used to get scared driving in the car with us. She’d be like, y’all not, y’all not watching the, the road. Could, could please, could you please watch the road? But you know what? We, it, and things have shifted. There were how many, we were separated for almost 24 months in our marriage. There was no intimacy there. He got hurt, right? From this, from the last car wreck in 2020, there was no intimacy. He came use a bathroom. So you got to learn how to even figure out what to do to keep the spark going in your relationship when you can’t physically be together in, you know, in a sexual way.

Chad Oinga
So then we, we go over creating our North Star and we have one more thing that’s kind of a bonus, but our North Star kind of sounds like it’s goal setting, but it’s more of the direction. Okay. We’ve laid out the goals, right? We know where we want to go, um, as a family and individually, but without that, that North Star, it’s easy to get lost along the way. It’s easy to, you know, one degree off on a ship and you are completely in a different place. And so our North Star is about staying on course. It’s about really driving towards those things that you want and staying on task. And then the bonus is, um, the Inside Out approach. And that is also our bread and butter. And, and that’s really what changed our marriage to what you see today is the Inside Out approach. And, and really that boils down to, we talk a lot about dealing with ourselves, but this is really connecting with that, that timeless thing within us. We all have, we can call it whatever we want, right? We can call it God, whatever the term, spirit, soul, but there’s something within us. And most of us are so focused on everything outside of us, these external factors, money, job, whatever, that we never take the time to really look within, connect with that and live from there. And when we connect, it’s just like what you said in, in the intro, it becomes a thermostat to our life and it regulates. The doors are going to get opened, okay? The heat’s going to come in. But if you’re connected with self, if you’re connected with that spirit and that source, then that, that kicks in. And what we believe is that our reality is just a reflection of what our internal state is. So if that is what we believe, then we want to fix our internal state to what we, we want to see in our, uh, external, right? And we began to do that on a personal level.

Lenell Oinga
Yup.

Chad Oinga
And it changed everything and it regulated our entire home. Our kids changed without us having to force it. Like all these parents out here trying to force their kids to do things and that’s why they rebel and all these other things, right? We didn’t have to do anything. We led by example and the temperature in our home changed, which changed every single person inside the home.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
You know that I, I, wow, like I said, that’s wonderful. So which one of those ingredients do you see is the hardest for couples to accomplish?

Lenell Oinga
The mindset.

Chad Oinga
Yeah, the mindset.

Lenell Oinga
Yeah, but the, the, you know, if you could, when you choose to really change your mindset, everything else that’s in the ingredients will just easy, make it easier for you to bake that bread or whatever it is that you’re baking. It’ll make it so much easier, but you got to change your mindset because what happens is you all played these stories about what you think reality really is. But if you really check out what reality is in front of you, then you, you understand what the story is telling you. It’s kind of like when you’re looking at your partner, really think about the story you’re telling yourself. Well, he treats me like this and he’s treat me, he don’t want to do this, he want to do this. It’s because so and so said this and because, oh, he saw that girl at Starbucks and she’s hot and I’m not as pretty and all stories just telling you, told yourself. But then look, but look, but really look at the reality is he’s staring at you, he’s gazing into your eyes, he loves you so much, he goes off to work every single day. Yeah, he may not be like so and so you saw on social media, he may not be like so and so you saw down the street, he may not be like that guy that you saw that had a camera up all the time, right? And he doing all this and doing all that with his girl. What you don’t know is behind closed doors, that man that you see on social media actually don’t even like the girl that he with, okay? That, that guy that got the camera, only reason he got that camera up so many times because he want all them darn likes and validations, okay? So understand what you do have is more special than anything else. And I realized that and that’s something that we went through for many years. Me, once social media came out, I was like, look what he’s doing, look what he’s doing this and why aren’t you like this? Why aren’t you like that? I was like trying to change him. I was trying to, and except accepting him for who he truly was and who I know he was. And I was allowing these stories to replay in my mind over and over again about what I didn’t have instead of appreciating what I did have. And when I start appreciating what I did have and then I start looking at him in that way and then I start changing my mindset, I said, yes, baby, thank you. Thank you, God. Thank you so much for what I have because I wouldn’t want anything else.

Chad Oinga
The, the human mind is what has caused all of our wars, poverty, um, every evil act that, that we can think of has come from a human mind, right? And why do I say that? Because we, within us, that internal self that I was talking about, that’s light, right? This brightest light you could ever imagine is within each and every one of us. But our mind is like a shadow, okay? And it casts darkness over that, that light that, that’s within us. And so when you can start to, to fix the way you think and you can start allowing that light to shine, okay? You really begin to see the truth of, of what your reality is and how special your life really is, right? So.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, you know, you use that word shadow. Oh, pay attention. And, and Sandy B in said, instead of bulletproof, you guys should be called shadowproof. And the thing is, the thing is, I saw what she put on here before you said shadow.

Lenell Oinga
Wow.

Chad Oinga
That’s all, once again, that’s the universe working out, right?

Lenell Oinga
Wow.

Chad Oinga
Wow.

Lenell Oinga
If you would just stop trying to control everything in your life, that’s another thing. Stop control, trying to control everything in your life. Everything is going to happen the way it’s supposed to happen, regardless of how much you try to change it. So even if, even if you are trying to change something about somebody or try to change an outcome that’s supposed to happen, I promise you the universe is laughing at you because the universe is, I promise this is how it’s gonna happen, regardless of what you try to do.

Chad Oinga
So we always say it doesn’t matter how you get to the top of the mountains, you’re going to get there, right? Just keep moving.

Lenell Oinga
Yeah.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Then we got another comment. Ranita says, wow, most couples crumble over toothpaste caps.

Lenell Oinga
I know that’s right. We do. We look at C and we’re like, why do, I’m like, why are you, why are you breaking up? I’m like, okay, Lord. And then we just come back home. I be like, can we help them? Like they need help. But most people don’t, they don’t really want help to be honest with you.

Chad Oinga
They want, they want confirmation for they’re right.

Lenell Oinga
Yes, that’s it. That’s it.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So, so, so, uh, another, uh, person came in text. She says, you all are an amazing, that’s for Maxine. She says, you all are an amazing couple.

Lenell Oinga
Oh, thank you.

Chad Oinga
Thank you.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Thank you. Another question came in. Where do you see yourselves five to 10 years from now?

Lenell Oinga
Oh man. Ah, well, the goal is that we are living on 10 to 15 acres, that we are growing our own food, that we are living a holistic lifestyle, which we’ve already tried to work on changing, not tried, we actually are changing. We, uh, growing our food right now inside our home. I make our own laundry detergent. I make our own toothpaste. We really are changing the way that we, you know, what we put inside and what we put on the outside of our body because our vessels are temple and we need to, you know, take care of it as much as possible if we want to live a long life.

Chad Oinga
I also see us, I see us helping, uh, on a, on a bigger stage five to 10 years from now. Uh, that’s our, our main reason that we do this. This isn’t about money for us. It’s, it’s really trying to empower as many humans as we possibly can, uh, not just in their marriage, but in life in general. And so I see us doing a lot more of that and, uh, yeah, uh, being, being in a, in a place where we have a lot more influence.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay. So, and Rita says, I love that.

Lenell Oinga
Oh, thank you, Rita.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Thank you. If, if our audience wants to, um, two things, I know you have a show.

Chad Oinga
Yes.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yes, that’s number one. And it’s on Trajectory TV.

Lenell Oinga
Yes, on Sundays.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Trajectory TV. Okay. So, and the name of the show is My Bulletproof Marriages.

Lenell Oinga
Okay.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And your course now, if people want to have a bulletproof marriage.

Chad Oinga
Yes.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Where did they go?

Lenell Oinga
Mybulletproofmarriages.com and there is a link to set up a free 30 minute call with us, right? Just, you know, set up a call. We’ll sit down, we’ll chat, we’ll see if we, see if, um, we can help you a little bit and, and get you on the right path.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Alrighty. And you also are YouTube.

Chad Oinga
Yeah.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yes, we are. And so your YouTube channel, is it the same? Is it My Bulletproof Marriage?

Lenell Oinga
I think it says podcast on, on after My Bulletproof Marriage, uh, just so.

Chad Oinga
But if, but if they go in, um, on YouTube and they type in My Bulletproof Marriage, it will come up.

Lenell Oinga
Yes.

Chad Oinga
Mmm, yeah, come up, it come right.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Oh, wow. You know what? This has been, this has been just amazing. It really, really is. And what can I say? You know, you all are a couple after my own heart and it’s, and, and, and divinely the universe brought you all together.

Lenell Oinga
That’s right.

Chad Oinga
Yeah, I believe, we believe that.

Lenell Oinga
Yes.

Chad Oinga
This was an honor. Thank you for having us.

Lenell Oinga
Yes, yes, yes.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And, and you know, uh, there are a couple of people watching. I’m going to send this to them personally.

Lenell Oinga
Well, thank you.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
You know what? And, and if you all watch it, okay, and you need some advice, once again, we have a free 30 minute call. Reach out. We actually, on our TV show, it’s on Sundays at 3 PM Eastern Standard Time, we are doing mail calls. So you can go ahead and if you go to mybulletproofmarriages.com, no, sorry, mybulletproofmarriages@e360tvlive.com, you can send us an email, ask us a question, uh, leave your name in whatever city you’re, you’re at, and we will actually answer that question on the show live.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, so let me see if I can type this in right quick so I can put that on there. So say it again so I can put it up there.

Lenell Oinga
So mybulletproofmarriages@e360tvlive.com.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And we also have a Facebook group that you can join and we put.

Lenell Oinga
Wait a minute, wait a minute. I thought I was typing it and I wasn’t. Oh, wait, wait. I was on a different keyboard. Now I want to put it on there. Okay, so mybulletproofmarriages@e360tvlive.com. Okay, so I want to add this banner and then I want to display it here. Yeah. Oh, there we go. It’s not, see, y’all know it’s mybulletproofmarriages@e360tvlive.com. It’s bulletproof, it’s bulletproof. But we also have a Facebook group that you can join. We put content every single day, almost every single day, just kind of just giving knowledge and tips and, you know, we have couples that have been married longer than us. We are, are 40 years, y’all, 40, 40 years. And so we love, you know, advice. We’re, we’re never, never are, never. So we love advice and we love to help. And so you can join.

Chad Oinga
Yeah, completely free. Um, it’s a good vibe. Come, come, uh, participate.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, wait, I dropped my mouse. Wait, and not only did I drop it, it came apart. Good grief. Why did I do that? Oh, here it is. Okay, so I was trying to fix, um, mybulletproofmarriages@e360tvlive.com. Well, you know, Chad and Lenell, oh gee, have I really messed this up? Oh my God. Oh no, not only that, I won’t be able to end in this show. Oh, that can’t, you got, wait a minute. I think that might have done it. Oh, OMG. Oh no, I really messed up. Well, it’s a, maybe I can do it. Oh, this is a touchscreen. Okay, there we go. When you’re live, right? Happens. But thank you all so much for coming on the show. And I really, really, really hope that people, uh, really reach out to you because it’s so important these days. Like they say, the divorce rate has risen so, and think I dropped it again. And so I think that you all definitely are just, uh, God sent.

Lenell Oinga
Thank you.

Chad Oinga
Appreciate that. And, and this was so fun. You’re a great host. So thank you.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Oh, well, thank you so much. Thank you so much. So you all have a beautiful, blessed rest of your evening.

Lenell Oinga
Yes, you do the same. Thank you so much for having us.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Thank you. Bye-bye.

Chad and Lenell Oinga
Bye-bye.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Wow, this has been, this has been, this has been really great. And like you say, live, live TV. So I dropped the mouse and I don’t even know if I can get back. But anyway, I want everyone to have a beautiful, beautiful morning, afternoon, or evening wherever you are in the world. And I will see you again next week. Bye [Music] bye [Music]