Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Well, good morning, good afternoon, good evening wherever you are in the world. It’s Dr. Jan Fortman with Relationship Matters TV. I’d like to welcome you today wherever you are to this special 90-minute television special, Self-Care for Caregivers. I’m so proud to be with you just for a little while today for 90 minutes for you to get some very, very important information. Here at Relationship Matters TV, we’re dedicated to bringing you global change makers who can provide you with authentic heartfelt healing messages. Now, what we’re asking you to do today is to please share this TV special out. The information you will receive is very timely. This is a very special broadcast. I like to use that word special again. So now let’s begin with self-care for the caregiver. I’d like to show you something right quick before I bring them on. It’s the self-caregivers team that I am going to introduce you to today. So let’s bring on, well, you know what, I’m going to introduce everybody right now. I just want you to see everyone who’s going to be giving you this information that I wish I had when I was a caregiver. But I want you all to remember that you can be a caregiver at any time. You can be a caregiver to a child, you can be a caregiver to an adult. So that’s Mary Jane Charles, Ruth Warnick, and Janie Becker. So let me tell you about Janie Becker.

Janie Becker
Hi, Dr. Jan. I’m so glad to be with you today.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And I’m so glad that you are on today. So Janie Becker is a certified massage therapist and she is known as the encourager, and we all need encouraging. She supports and encourages caregivers and care partners to optimize their health via healing techniques. So now Janie, let’s start with you. Your topic is caregiver chaos to calm. So the first question I want to ask you is how did you come to coach caregivers?

Janie Becker
Thank you for making this opportunity available. More and more people are coming into the caregiving journey. My sisters and I spent nine years taking care of four family elders through the aging process with COPD, Parkinson’s disease, dementia, memory loss, Alzheimer’s, and all the daily care issues for our dad, our stepmom Irma, our Aunt Artie, and Uncle Dusty. Peppermint oil was my go-to. It helped me through, and I want to let you know that it’s not easy and it can be done. As Dr. Jan mentioned, we all have the opportunity at some point to be a caregiver for a neighbor, for an aging parent, of course for our children and our children’s friends. So many opportunities come up, and I have collected many resources and calming techniques to support not only the caregiver but the care recipient and our co-workers and other caregivers.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Oh my goodness, you know what, now you did something and I’m gonna deviate a little bit because you held up a little bottle of peppermint oil. What, and I have some peppermint oil but I’ve never used it. What does peppermint oil do?

Janie Becker
It’s one of the universal oils which is helpful in supporting respiratory health, digestive health, mental health. It’s good for muscle tone, and in fact, if you’re having a stressful situation, just inhaling it is helpful.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Oh, so do you, okay, so you inhale it because you know I want to know because I got it in my case.

Janie Becker
Of course, there’s three ways. You can inhale it, you can diffuse it, or you can apply it topically.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Thank you, thank you. Yes, in fact, I wear a diffuser around my neck so that whenever I’m encountered with smoke or anything that I’m allergic to, I’ve got it handy.

Janie Becker
Look at that, now I know what to do with it. Somebody told me to buy it and I bought it and they say, “Oh, this will help you,” and then, but I never used it, but now, now thank you. So, uh, uh, what is the most important mindset for caregivers to keep focus?

Janie Becker
Well, remember Louise Hay told us in “You Can Heal Your Life,” thoughts are things and things can change. So I remind you when you have that thought, “This situation in caregiving is impossible,” you can change that thought and give yourself permission, that’s the key word, give yourself permission to take care of yourself first so that you can be more effective in all that you do. And one quick action you can take immediately is to put your fingertips on your chest and open your arms, breathe in, and release any tension you feel in your body. You can do this three times, so there’s one quick tip right away.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, well, got a text. Vanessa says to you, she’s watching via YouTube, she says, “I use peppermint oil that I can place on my tongue for colds,” and she said, “and it is good for numerous things.” So I have to thank you, Vanessa.

Janie Becker
Yeah, yeah, wow.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, so you say, so I saw that come in and I didn’t want to ignore it, but you said what, so I’m gonna do what you said. So you said put your hands on your chest.

Janie Becker
On your chest, around your heart area, breathe in deep, feet flat on the floor, and open up. Just allow any tension to leave your body. Do that three times.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, all right, viewers, on two, three. Thank you, thank you. So I want to go back to the very beginning of something you said. You were caregiving to what, four people at the same time?

Janie Becker
Elders, um, not at the same time. Oh no, we took care of Daddy for many years. He passed at 92. We took care of his second wife, Irma. She passed at 90. And then we took care of Aunt Artie who had COPD, and near the end, she was losing her faculties. And then we took care of Dusty who had Alzheimer’s. And oh my goodness, if you have any experience with Alzheimer’s, he would go out and pick up things and put them in his pocket. So she had to be real careful if they were at a store or somebody’s house, she had to empty his pockets before they left just in case. He was always picking up things. There’s all kinds of things that happen with different aspects of Alzheimer’s. And one time he went to take the keys to the car and drive it away, but he didn’t know where he was going. So she was smart, she took the ignition key off, and he would come in and say, “I can’t get the car to start,” and she’d say, “Oh, where do you want to go?” So she would redirect his attention.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So, uh, I understand you use healing therapy. What exactly is healing therapy?

Janie Becker
We have many healing therapies. I use neuromuscular therapy, which is a touch technique with specific points that we have you breathe and hold until the tension is released. My specialty is raindrop technique, which uses nine essential oils on the feet and the back, and then hot towels to drive it in. And people say it feels as releasing as a full body massage, and many people say they get emotional release from it as well. So I have a variety of techniques that I use, and of course, there’s many, many tips that are in my free ebook, which you see on the screen. If your viewers look at caregivers.lessbrainstressnow.com, they can get their three self-care essentials for caregivers for free, and all they have to do is put in their email address.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
I can put it in.

Janie Becker
Yes, it’s called caregivers.lessbrainstressnow.com, and that’s a free ebook with three self-care essentials for caregivers. And actually, it’s good for anyone as we all have stress and anxiety at some point. So all the tips I use are especially helpful, and thanks for that banner, that’s wonderful.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, caregivers.lessbrainstressnow.com, correct? Okay, so I have another question that I want to ask. What is one quick tip you can share with our listeners who are overwhelmed with caregiving?

Janie Becker
Well, we all get overwhelmed at some point, and a really good technique, if you’re wearing glasses, take them off, put your feet flat on the floor, take two fingers and put them in the middle of your forehead where your third eye is, breathe in a deep breath, and go up over one eye, under the eye, over the bridge of the nose, over the second eye, under the second eye, up and over. And this is called the figure eight technique, like the infinity sign. So you can do this 10 or 12 times. So join us, everyone, up over one eye, under, across the bridge of the nose, over the next eye, under, and just keep tracing. Do that 10 or 12 times, breathe in deep, and notice when you’re complete how your body feels.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Wow, I like that, I like that. So eight or ten times. Well, I think probably some of us probably need to do it, it was doing it 30 times during the day.

Janie Becker
Sure, well, you can do it every time you think of it.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
That’s really good information, and I’m sure for some caregivers in every all day long.

Janie Becker
Amen, thank you.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Thank you.

Janie Becker
Essential oil of clarity, yes, there’s a blend called Clarity that’s helpful. It’s another blend that’s helpful in keeping focus because every day we start out with a list of things we want to do, and we get distracted when we’re taking care of our care recipient. So it helps us refocus. You can put it on your wrist or diffuse it.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, all right, so caregivers.lessbrainstressnow.com. All right, Janice, thank you. I’m going to bring in another panelist, but I’m going to bring you back a little later because I know that some more questions for viewers will come in.

Janie Becker
Great, thank you so much.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, thank you. So let’s see who we’re going to bring on next. This is so amazing to me. I really wish I had this information when I was a caregiver for my mom. So let’s see. Well, hi Ruth Ann Wernick, how are you?

Ruth Ann Wernick
Hi there, I’m doing great. Thanks for having us today. Really special program, appreciate it.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yes, it really, really is. So let me tell you about Ruth Ann, how to capture stories of life in the midst of caregiving, embrace the opportunity, and avoid the regret. And I know some of you saw Ruth Ann on a previous show of mine. Oh, she gave us so much information because a lot of times we do lose a lot of information and just stories from our ancestors. So Ruth, the first question I want to ask you is why did you decide to embark on helping people to capture the journeys of their life and their loved ones?

Ruth Ann Wernick
So Dr. Jan, when I was 40, my father passed away, and at that age, I was not a caregiver for him, but at that age, I didn’t really appreciate or understand how important family stories would be, would become later in my life, and I just didn’t have that awareness around it. So I had like kind of a regret that I didn’t have those stories. And when I say they were lost treasures, they were like buried treasures literally because they were buried with him. And some years later, I found a letter that my father had written right before I got married, and it was his words of guidance and wisdom, and he was sharing some really important things with me. And I realized like what a beautiful thing that is to have stories and experiences and guidance from family members where we can connect the generation through time. And that’s how I ended up getting started with Capture the Journey as a way to become a legacy guide for others to help them, to inspire them, and to help them find the ways to capture the stories, not wait for someday, and then regret it later when it’s too late.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, so what are some of the easy ways to capture stories in the midst of day-to-day caregiving and stress and that don’t add another to-do list? Because right, we’re caregiving, we have a long list of to-do lists, right?

Ruth Ann Wernick
Right, right, right. And it’s easy to think of it as just another commitment, another sense of responsibility. So I encourage people to, first caregivers, to look at it a little bit differently. First of all, the benefits, I just want to touch on the benefits to the person being cared for as well as the caregiver of capturing the stories. This is beyond what stories are for future generations. This is even in the moment. First of all, you’re giving the caregiver the most beautiful gift by validating their stories and taking interest in it and helping them understand how much their lives mattered and how much their influence or impact on others is going to be carried forward. So that’s a huge benefit to the person being cared for. As the caregiver, you benefit because you’ve taken the time. I know you think I don’t have any more time, but as the caregiver, you get to know these stories, you learn about maybe more about your own family history, you might have a new perspective on some of the needs, if you will, that the person being cared for has based on their past experiences. So really both sides, if you will, I don’t like to call them sides, but both people, the caregiver and the person being cared for do benefit. So how do you do that stress-free? You’re in the midst of all of this, as Janie called it, this caregiver chaos. Think of it not as an interview, like, oh, it’s one more thing I have to ask these questions and then I have to remember to do this. If you’re in conversation with your loved one, just think of it as a conversation. So if they start a story or they share a memory about any part of their life, you just have to make it, keep it open-ended. Just ask them, tell me more about that. Oh, what happened with that? How did that happen? Just ask a couple of questions, just like you would in a normal conversation. How do you actually capture the story? Today’s technology makes it so much easier than ever to capture our stories. Everyone I know, at least everyone has a cell phone. So when you’re in those conversations and you ask a couple of more questions, just turn on your cell phone. You will have the recording. You can figure out later, another time, how to transcribe them, what you’re going to do with them, whether you want to add pictures, not, that’s not important now. What’s important now is taking the opportunity to capture the stories while you have the opportunity and avoid the regret of not getting around to it. Don’t complicate it. Don’t think of it as one more thing you have to do. You’re having conversations. You can ask simple questions and let the stories flow. And that’s pretty stress-free right there.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So Ruth Ann, what do you do? You make it sound so easy. And I’m kind of looking back at when my father was alive and we were having a conversation and he led a very colorful life. I could go into it, but at one point in time, he was a manager for a lot of recording artists and one of them was Etta James. And he’s in her book. So we were having a conversation with him and we wanted to get more information about being a manager and all that, and he clammed up. So how do you get older people who you really, your grandmother, your mother, great grandmothers or whatever, and you really want their stories, but they clam up, they don’t want to share. How do you get them to share?

Ruth Ann Wernick
Great question. So there may be stories that they just don’t want to talk about. Sometimes we’re interested in it, but for them, it may not be a great memory or something that they want to remember. There are a couple of comments you could make to them. You can let them know how important it is that you want to make sure that your children, your grandchildren know the stories and know who they are. So you can talk about it that way. And I go back to what I said a few minutes ago is don’t necessarily make it an interview. Just throw in a question, let the story flow. Because when you make it an interview, like I’m going to ask you these questions, I want to know this story, then there could be barriers that go up. But if you make it as part of everyday conversation where maybe one statement is said by somebody, one seems like a fleeting memory that they say, you can just kind of make it a conversation and ask another question. Really, like with Etta James, like what was that like? And then just that, you’re not really saying, tell me about that. You’re just asking a question. So that’s what I mean when I say make it a conversation and not an interview.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, all right. So I think you kind of went over this, but what are ways to engage younger family members and why add that to the mix?

Ruth Ann Wernick
Okay, so I’ll give a very specific example. When my mother was turning 90, we are talking about benefiting different members of the family depending on what generation they are. We asked all of her children, which would have been me and all of my siblings, and the grandchildren, we asked them to write a letter, if you will, to Grandma sharing their favorite memories and their favorite stories with Grandma so that we could present that to her. We combined it with photos, so each child, each grandchild with Grandma, and we put that all together and we presented it to her for her 90th birthday. So she was so loved by how she had impacted and influenced her children and her grandchildren. The grandchildren really had an opportunity to stop and think, what is it that’s so special about my grandma? Like, what do I want to make sure that I remember or that others know about her? And by presenting it to her, we’ve not only benefited her, but now we have this treasure that is a gift for us, for our children, for their children. So it engaged the different generations of the family and was a beautiful gift to my aging mother. So that’s an example of, now you don’t have to make it into a book, it could be simpler than that. And if you’re the caregiver, you might be thinking right now, like, oh my gosh, that’s just one more thing. But if you have other family members, children, grandchildren of your, let’s just say aging parents, oftentimes they’re more than happy to help. They just don’t know what to do. They don’t know what they should be asking. So you could assign it, if you will, to other family members while you’re in the midst of being the primary caregiver. So solicit that help as well.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Oh, okay, okay. And I think our family reunions that come about, and maybe that’s, is that another good way where you can kind of get stories that, you know, from different family members, you know, when families come together for a family reunion, there are a lot of times a lot of stories that you would want to capture. Is that a good way?

Ruth Ann Wernick
That could be a challenge. The stories will flow. It’s the capturing of the stories that’s a little bit of a challenge when you’re at a reunion because there’s so many people and so much activity and so much going on. So as it’s the benefit of the family reunion sharing the stories, if you can pull people aside and record them and by asking specific questions, it takes a level of coordination though for someone to be in charge of doing that and be responsible for doing that. But just the mere exercise of sharing the stories when you’re at a family reunion, it does still connect the generations of the family because the memories, the love will flow whether someone is still living or not. And so there are benefits to doing it. For the capturing of the stories, it just presents new challenges because there’s so much going on during a reunion.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, yeah, that’s true. That’s, yeah, yeah, yeah. But okay, as a caregiver, just, I just wanted to say, I just want to remind people that even when you’re sitting with your loved one in a quiet moment, just the feeling of hearing the stories of you validating their stories and their life experiences is a blessing to you and them sharing their stories in that quiet moment is a blessing to them. And I just want people to think of it that way. It’s just really a blessing.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Let’s say you’re caregiving for mom, your dad, or grandmother, okay, and father or whomever, and stories are captured and you read them, especially the letter that you, the letters that you talked about, does that help as far as calming them and just getting them to a better place or bringing them back sometimes, you know, when they’re, I always say in another realm, but bringing them back to who they are?

Ruth Ann Wernick
So as far as the letters go, it really, you have to know your loved one if they’re likely to share. Some people will, depending on their condition, I’ll say, or their state or how well they’re feeling, they may not really want to write the letter in that moment, which is why, as an aside, I encourage people, that’s why my guidebook is called “Say It Now: The Important Things.” So I encourage people to do it, you know, when they’re in this state, when they can. But you can still almost, it’s almost like you’re writing a letter with them when you talk to them. You ask them, what are the most important values that, what are the most important lessons that you learn from life? You could get so much valuable information just by asking that question because the answer might be, the most important thing I could tell you is, you know, respecting other people. So you say, oh, why do you say that? Did something, you know, is there a story there? Is there something that…

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Oops, you moved your computer. I’m an example.

Ruth Ann Wernick
What’s that?

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
You moved your computer. It cut you off.

Ruth Ann Wernick
Yeah. Oh my goodness. Oh my goodness. Can you still hear me?

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
I can hear you. Can’t see your beautiful face.

Ruth Ann Wernick
It says you have lost, you have lost camera connection. I’m not really sure why. Okay. I don’t know, but I will answer you.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, go ahead.

Ruth Ann Wernick
Technology is wonderful when it works. Go ahead.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yes, exactly. So where were we? We were, what was the last question?

Ruth Ann Wernick
We were talking about all the value. If you asked, I was talking about the story with my husband, right? So my husband learned a valuable lesson from his father when he was a scout. And I may have shared this story with you before, but they were at a scout meeting and all the new scouts were introducing themselves. And one boy, Raymond, who was of Japanese descent, now this is going back to the 1960s, the scout master made it very clear publicly that Raymond and his family were not welcome in the troop. It was stunning, shocking. And my husband’s father leaned over to my husband, he was 10 years old, my husband, and said, if they’re not welcome, we’re leaving, we’re going with them. And they got up and left and never went back. And I will tell you, when you can get a story like that, that says, why is respecting others so important to you, dad? That is a story that could come out because when I was 10 years old, this is what your grandfather taught me. This is how I learned that. And that’s a value that I hold to this day. So even just a conversation like that can get out incredibly valuable stories from someone just by saying, what’s the most important life lesson you’ve learned in your life?

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Wow.

Ruth Ann Wernick
So again, we’re talking conversation, not necessarily interview per se.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So I have a comment here from Vanessa again. She says, I tried the same thing with my mom’s 50 grandchildren. Whoa. I didn’t receive any responses. I think she’s talking about the letters. I didn’t receive any responses from the grandchildren. Instead, I gave her a 90th Zoom celebration with a PowerPoint that I prepared from stories she shared with me.

Ruth Ann Wernick
Fantastic. And that’s the power of Zoom also. You can record that as well. And that’s another technology that makes it easier. Even again, just having a conversation. But kudos to you, Vanessa. What an awesome gift for your mom. But now look at what you have for your family. So kudos to you.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, right. And we have a viewer here, Janice Tom, and she says, good afternoon to everyone. And then from Barker Business Solutions, from Laura, she says, I am loving this. It is so important to capture those memories. Thank you, Laura.

Ruth Ann Wernick
Yeah, definitely, definitely.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
I have a couple of other questions here. So sharing stories can be a kind of caregiving in and of itself. What are the benefits to the person who’s being cared for?

Ruth Ann Wernick
The main benefit is giving them that sense of that their stories mattered, that their stories will be carried on, that their stories matter, that their lives mattered. And not only for themselves, but for future generations. It also can be very calming to that person to know that they’re being valued, that someone is taking the time to get their stories, that it is important enough. So it gives them a sense of value is really the most important thing. Again, it’s another form of them being cared for. Like someone cares. So you might be showing them that you care about them meeting their physical needs or their medical needs or even some of their emotional needs. This is another way of benefiting them emotionally. It’s just knowing that their lives mattered.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So we’re talking about self-care for caregivers. So how does this relate? How does this impact the caregiver?

Ruth Ann Wernick
The caregiver benefits in multiple ways. One is that it creates a quiet time unrelated to the physical care and the other kinds of care. It’s a separate kind of quiet time with your loved one, not focused on the day-to-day tasks, if you will, or response to care responsibilities. So that’s number one. It also can create a closeness with that person, or you can learn things, hear stories that can give you a perspective of where they’re coming from or how they might be feeling as an aging person, as a sick person, as a person who is becoming less and less able. So it allows you to perhaps see things from their perspective or have a better understanding. It also helps you avoid for the future the regret that will become coming when you say, I had this time, I was able to sit with them, and I didn’t take advantage, I didn’t seize the opportunity. So that’s a benefit that you’ll receive later maybe, but that regret can be a really big piece. But the benefit in the moment is just having a greater understanding and appreciation for your loved one’s life experiences and their values and their wisdom even. And again, I know, I mean, I was a caregiver for my mom, and even though she was in an assisted living, and I know how we can be so caught up in the day-to-day needs, not to mention all the other responsibilities that we have. But when you can sit and just think of it as like reminiscing with them, it can be very calming for you. And sometimes you may not even appreciate the benefit you’re receiving until another time.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Right, right. Well, you know, and I never, I know I had you on my show before, but I never thought about it as part of self-care when you are a caregiver. I never thought about that. But that is a wonderful way to calm yourself and to put yourself in a place, especially when you can use that along with peppermint oil.

Ruth Ann Wernick
Yeah.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And, you know, to put yourself in a place which makes you a better caregiver.

Ruth Ann Wernick
Yes, absolutely. And it is a way to step out of that, as I said, that day-to-day activity where you’re so focused on the care. And you might be in a situation where you also have young children or other family members, you might be working, you have other responsibilities. So think of those quiet times where you’re reminiscing and sharing stories, your loved one is sharing stories with you. Think of that as really a gift to yourself, just like the oils might be, or a massage might be, or a walk in a park might be. It’s just another form of a gift that you’re giving yourself in that moment.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, well, thank you so much, Ruth Ann, for that enlightening conversation. So I’m going to bring you back later on in the show right before we bring on Mary Jane Charles. I have to do a couple of commercials. I just want to invite…

Ruth Ann Wernick
You’re going to announce later the websites and all of that. We’ll do that later. I really want to invite people to reach out to me if I can help.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah. And if you want people to reach out to you personally, individually, if you put it into private chat, then I can also put it in the lower third like I did to Janie.

Ruth Ann Wernick
Okay, great. Yeah, they can go to my website and there’s a link right there. So I just make it as easy as possible.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay. All right. So while you’re off, you can, I don’t know what happened to your camera so that when I bring everybody back, we’ll be able to see your beautiful face.

Ruth Ann Wernick
Yes.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And not just look at this circle within a circle.

Ruth Ann Wernick
I’ll have to figure that out.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
All right. Thanks.

Ruth Ann Wernick
Okay, then.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
All right, then. This is so far to me. This has been really very, very enlightening. And as I said, I was the caregiver for my mom before she passed. But you just never know when you might become a caregiver. So we will be right back. But I have a couple of commercials that I want to give you the benefit of. Alrighty.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Back with self-care for caregivers. Now to bring this all together, I’m going to introduce you to Mary Jane Childs. So let me tell you about Mary Jane. Now, what happened to the stuff I put in here about Mary Jane? Okay. Her topic is caregiving and estate planning. What do they have in common? So let me bring on Mary Jane. Hi.

Mary Jane Childs
Hello. So glad to be here. It’s been wonderful.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
I’m so, so glad to see you today, Mary Jane. So what is your title exactly? I know what it is, but tell everyone what it is.

Mary Jane Childs
What do estate planning and caregiving have in common? Okay, pretty simple, but it’s not. So shall I take it?

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yes, go for it.

Mary Jane Childs
Okay. So we know estate planning is an essential at any time in life, really. Even after the pandemic, it’s not an old person’s topic anymore. And so it has not been a common inclusion to think about caregiving at the same time. I would encourage people to make it part of their estate plan. I’m not an attorney. I’m not a nurse. I have been a caregiver in two situations where there were absolutely no instructions left for anyone. And it is very disconcerting. You think you know people, and then the family chimes in, “Well, he never said that to me.” “Oh, I never heard her say that.” And you are instantly in a pickle. You can’t prove anything, and you’re flying by the seat of your pants. I can guarantee you it is a black hole that it was very hard to get yourself out of. That said, caring, giving, people think of assisted living as perhaps or long-term care. That’s all really part of the real world. But the majority of people still have family, and those who least expect find themselves in a caregiving role in a very short period of time. “Sure, I’ll help you. I’ll bring dinner. Don’t you worry about a thing. Let me take you to the hairdresser. I think you need to go to the barber.” And then they can’t make those trips with you anymore. And you, meaning a sister, a brother, a partner, a neighbor, and means do not present themselves. You should be so lucky as to have in-home care if you are. Even those people at some point need a vacation. They need to go home. And so today I’m here to say, having been the caregiver, I’m building from the bottom up. If you’re able to include caregiving as part of your estate, great. It is that much of a less of a burden for your family after you leave. And I mean that in the kindest of ways. No one wants to say, “Mama, Papa, Timmy, or Joe is a burden.” You can eliminate the burden with a few tweaks for all concerned, especially the caregiver. We know the patient will be cared for somehow, some way. Caregiving comes from the heart, and the heart feeds the mind. And if your heart is sick, it won’t take long for your brain to be sad. If you’re sad, it doesn’t take long for your stomach to know you’re sad and every other system within the human body. You will run out of gas in the caregiving spectrum. You are given 24 hours a day like anybody else. You still have to sleep. You have to maintain yourself. Given any religion in the world, there is said somewhere, somehow, “Love thy neighbor as thyself.” Of course, they’ll take care of my neighbor. No, you’re missing the point. You have to take care of yourself first. And however you care for someone, first care of yourself first, you will be able to care for someone else. So that takes priority. Keep that at the forefront. You will be spoken to a family who feel they are in charge. They’re not anymore. You are. You’re the point guard, just like a basketball team. Keep the ball bouncing. You that can dribble, they can share it, but you’re the point guard. You’re going to say what play is going to form and where the basket’s going to be made. And grow into it. If it’s as simple as, “By the way, a week Friday, I have a haircut appointment.” “Oh, well, no, hold to your forces. It’s your haircut. We’re talking about 45 minutes. They’re not going for a new look.” With guys, it’s carved out a schedule for yourself. If you are a male, you need tea prep, driving range practice. You have a tea time. Play nine holes. Book it. You might have to book it a few weeks ahead, but don’t deny yourself. Golf is therapeutic. It’s physical. It’s emotional. It’s mental. And who cares if you’ve gotten the damn trap? No one’s looking, but don’t move the ball. Take them all again. Anyway, you need to take care of yourself. You seem trite. They seem comical on a very serious topic. They are not trite, and they are not comical. When you are in the moment, to be able to say to the person you’re caring for, “I’ll be back in a few hours.” Let them look forward to you returning, and let you look forward to returning with the fact that you have a clear brain. You’re not in a fog anymore. I don’t care if you sat in the park and dog walked for somebody for two hours. It’s a different environment. You’ll meet more people, and you might even learn something new. You are taking care of number one. So you need a team in order to make this happen. Once you realize you’re a caregiver, because some of us slip into it, and you’re exhausted one day, and you’ve gotten the flu twice in eight weeks, and you’re like, “What is the matter?” Go back and look at yourself. What has changed in your world, or what are you doing now that you did not do one year ago? And bingo, you will see the extra stress. Number one, find a team. By that, I mean people who can back you up. And need that be the same person all the time? I would suggest three to five different people. Find a student nurse. They know a little more than others. They might be able to do their best as long as you introduce the nurse and the patient at appropriate time. Let them know each other, not cold turkey. It could be another relative, even a teenager who is reliable. No matter how old, they have to be reliable and dependable. And add in the fact, how able is the patient you are taking a break from? You’re not leaving them. You’re taking a break. And flexibility on all sides is enormous. So dependability and reliability and flexibility, it’s a fluid situation. So as much as you want to roll, you might have to just kind of bob. You can’t go roll too far or too long. Every case is different, and cases change over time. So three to five people, maybe once a quarter, go to a movie. Oh my goodness, two and a half hours. That’s a big deal. But you can take a walk. Somebody can sit for a half hour, walk around the block, walk four blocks, go faster. You get a workout, and you’ll get to see that garden. And maybe the lady will give you the seeds to our garden come September. All these things work. I know I’ve been through it twice. And the first time, I was in my 20s, and I felt guilty at every move. I should be able to do this. I’m young. I’m healthy. Well, there’s a whole story there. I made it, and I made it through the sixth the second time, 40 years later. The difference between those two situations is final wishes. Final wishes. It’s not the will. These are the little things that matter most to us. And there were no papers to be asked if somebody in their 20s, they’re sick. But time over time, enough people had enough problems that there are documents, and there are legal documents. And what are your last wishes? Well, after this last event in my life and being left without any papers whatsoever by somebody who should have known better, certainly had the intelligence to do better, and I sat in a black abyss wondering, what am I going to do next? Well, I had piles, and I combined those piles, realized I had a book. And the name of the book is “Surviving the Business of Dying: My Final Papers Matter.” And then my friend said, “Good book, Mary Jane, but I don’t know what to do next.” So I created a workbook called “Companion Workbook for Surviving the Business of Dying: Why Final Papers Matter.” This workbook is the nuts and bolts to making the will happen. And everyone should have a will. Everyone should have a medical directive. You could do the medical directive this afternoon. You go online, get the medical directive for your state, and fill it out. Then make copies. It’s not even intended to be a secret. And this is where caregiving comes in. The caregivers should also have a medical directive, and the person you’re caring for should have one. And they should be on the refrigerator. Keep yours in a freezer bag. Put one in your glove compartment, your night table. Let your neighbor know you have such a thing. Neighbors know a lot. I know more than anyone else. I know this is the first thing that first responders look for. Even if you slip on a leaf and hit your head, it tells them what they need to know when you cannot speak for yourself. So medical directive is hugely important. After that would be the top five people you want to call. You want two relatives, you want your attorney, your doctor, and a neighbor. Neighbors are enormously important because they’re right there. Family might be two states away, but the neighbors are invaluable. And that’s what the EMTs need upon arrival. Getting back into caregiving, and you have your breaks, and you have your backup team, make notes of this. The companion workbook has spaces for absolutely everything from, do you have an attorney, to do you have a doctor, put their names in, of course, and your family members. But I made it light in some areas. We talk about the funeral, put in your favorite music. Don’t let people pick music for you. That’s you. Your friends are going to be there, and people you know and love. They’re like, this isn’t that person. So it takes the seriousness out of it. It’s not a labor. It’s a labor of love because you’re leaving explicit details for your family after you’re gone. It removes the angst and frustration. And you know your family, maybe even an argument as to how things should be done. And you appoint a first lieutenant. That’s my term for the person who will help you. And you will need help. Even if you have a book of directions, there are too many irons that need to be done. My son acted as my first lieutenant, and I had yet another morning full of a list of errands, and he saluted me. And that’s where the term came from. It was my first lady. It was great. All you need is someone who knows the players, is reliable, and has a driver’s license. But the value of this, if ever those questions, somebody to have a question, I said, no, I heard him say that. I was able to prove whatever poor noon is trying to make in here. You can choose. You can point to page 65 and say, well, she wrote it right here. Those are her initials, and it’s in her hand. Again, I can’t emphasize enough to not do it digitally, to use it as you wish. Leave it nearby. You think of things when you’re cooking or you’re cleaning or staring at a ball game. Son of a gun, get the yellow book and fill it up. It’s too valuable now, too. And where it comes in handy for caregiving, you spend a lot of time with the person that you are given care for. Much very similar to Ruth Ann’s. It starts to come conversation. Have one for yourself. They’ll be curious as to what you’re doing. And you can say, oh, this is mine, and I’m doing this for my family so they know what to do and who cares for my dog and where my social media, how it should be treated. I have a social media administrator, too. And it comes as conversation. They will want one for themselves. And after they’re gone and no one can text them on Monday morning, the little book will come alive and let people know where the extra set of keys are, just who to call for this, what branch they bank at, and who to speak with. It’s of infinite value, and it is a gift of the greatest kind to your family to leave explicit directions. It removes the angst and frustration and bestows peace of mind.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Mary Jane, you have your other computer on, don’t you? Because I hear an echo.

Mary Jane Childs
I’m sorry, I don’t have another computer.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, I know you had, because for a minute I saw you twice.

Mary Jane Childs
I haven’t touched anything.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Oh, okay. I don’t know what happened. Okay, so how do Mary Jane, how do you start the conversation?

Mary Jane Childs
Thank you. I would just, well, if you’re there on a daily basis with, as the caregiver, they will need to know a lot of things up front. Or if you are the caregiver, you can just say, you know, I know this and this, we have to do this today. Where do you keep that? And would you like to show me where to go? I’m not sure where that branch is, if they’re still able. If not, you can ask them, or just start, bring your own book and just start your own book as you have those quiet moments. And curiosity will peak. What do you do every day with that yellow book? What’s in there? Oh, it’s my details. Would you like to look through it? It’s okay, I don’t mind. Because much of what’s right, other than the location or your selection of music, et cetera, everybody has similar details. I try to include details that would concern all of us, but obviously, there are just, there are so many cultures and backgrounds. So if anyone has something new that’s not in the book, I would love to know so I can add it to my edits the next time around. But the conversation is simply, do you have all your details in one place? Oh, I have a will. No, this is different. And you can start in it, showing them the book and showing what the details are as far as the everyday details, nitty-gritty of our everyday life.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So, a question came in, and the question was, so I got to read, what do you do if the person who you’re caregiving for has Alzheimer’s or dementia and they don’t have a will? What do you think?

Mary Jane Childs
I would contact a family member. Hopefully, they have already orchestrated something with an attorney. You can’t take on any extra binding conversation. You’re not qualified, and you’re not an attorney. I would speak clearly to a family member who seems to be in charge. There’s usually a contact person. Or if it’s a situation where you are in charge, there are now attorneys expressly familiar with Alzheimer’s and caregiving. I would go my own self. I would go to the local Alzheimer chapter or go to a hospital to their memory coordinator person. There’s a lot of information you can glean from there. They would definitely be able to direct you, especially for the purpose that you’re seeking conversation.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, Laura from Barker Business Solution says, some states allow for lucid moments to create a will if they still have them. Okay, there was another question that came in while you were talking. How do you make a schedule to have alone time if the person who you are being the caregiver for doesn’t want you to leave?

Mary Jane Childs
Well, again, that’s kind of one of those hardcore conversations. I understand it. And what needs to be conveyed to the person in the bed or with the disability is that they are not in charge anymore. They’re the patient. I had to have that conversation with my first husband. He had ALS, and he was livid, very angry at the disease and what had been dealt to him, so to speak. And he was a control person. And I said to him, he was very hard on everyone with whom he came in touch with. And so you have a choice because he was still one of the tragedies of ALS. Nothing, the brain is just fine. The brain, nothing happens to the brain, but the body is just taken away through the plight of the disease. I said, you have a choice. You can either have someone who is hired and gets paid to put up with this, and they go home and sleep well at night, or you can be cared for by your family to whom you need to remain a giving human being because they’re doing their saddle love, and you have absolutely right, even though you are sick, to beat people up. I’m, you know, I’m just that much younger. I almost had that conversation with my husband who died eight years ago. But from where I sit, and I am a civilian, so to speak, I’m not legal, and I’m not medical, but I was hands-on in both instances. There’s a degree of self-preservation that comes in. So I stated that you can either have a professional or someone who actually cares. And if you need help on that, you speak to the doctor. If you don’t want to try to have another thing to think about or have a conversation of that type, go to the professional, go to, especially if it’s Alzheimer’s. There are clear, specific ways to deal with someone and or caregivers. There are lots of organizations. Get a caregiver association near you. In our self-care for caregivers team, she’s not here today, but Mary Elaine Petrucci is a certified caregiver and belongs to national conversation groups. I could easily get referrals from her for such circumstances. So please put out the short list.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
All right, let’s see. Oh, about final wishes. Let me read it. What if the person you are caregiving for will not cooperate as far as their final wishes are concerned? Okay, I think they mean, I think what they mean is maybe the person doesn’t even want to talk about final wishes.

Mary Jane Childs
Correct. In that case, sometimes wishes pop up in conversation. You can, depending on how the conversations go, you start telling stories. If you have to make them up of someone who you know, you went to their funeral and everything was lovely because people knew exactly what he wanted, and it was his music. You could tell you knew him in another time. Well, why would people want to do that? So there are people that are just upset that they’re getting old. They’re upset that they’re sick. They’re not upset with you personally, though you are the front line. So you’re going to have to keep it in mind to keep dodging, to put on, you know, put on a happy face, put on makeup one morning, blow them out of the, you know, don’t give them any reason to pick on you, but let them know that it’s not nice, like you would a teenager or somebody who needs to be reminded of good manners. You can do that. As far as getting them to convey their wishes, you can sit again and say, do you want to hear some of my last wishes? No. Well, I’m going to read them to you anyway. So sometimes, but well, they’re just very sad and unhappy inside and practicing, but it’s all because they’re sick if they’re able to realize how sick they are. So bring in their friend, an old friend they haven’t seen in a while, maybe a brother or a sister. They know how to handle them from childhood. There, you got to pull out all the arrows in your way.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And if they want to reach you, they can go to, and I put it on the lower third, MJ at lastwishessupport.com. MJ at lastwishessupport.com. So what I’m going to do, okay, there’s a…

Mary Jane Childs
May I correct just in the, in the afternoon, there’s a letter N, the letter N between the wishes and the support. It’s, it’s a misprint on there and the word correct. It’s MJ at lastwishesandsupport.com.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay. The letter N. All right. Well, we’re going to have to fix that. Okay. Let’s, let’s see if we can fix that. Let’s see if that came up. Okay. Come on, scroll. Oh, save. I had to save it. There it is. Now, now it’s in big letters. MJ at lastwishesandsupport.com. All right. Great. Thank you. So, okay. So I’m going to bring everyone back. And so if anyone has any questions for all three of these wonderful ladies, you’ll be able to, but before then, here I am again, before then I have to pay a couple of more bills. So don’t go away. And if you have any questions for either Janie, Ruth Ann, or Mary Jane, make sure that you send questions or comments, make sure that you send them to me, but we will be right back.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
We are all back and, and, oh, Ruth Ann, we can see your beautiful face. So let’s see if we have any questions here. Oh, well, thank you. Well, I just got a compliment from the ads are great, right? That’s, that’s, that’s what I have on here. Wait a minute. So I’m loving these ads, beautiful and helpful. Thank you, Laura from Barker Business Solutions. And so since she did mention that, shameless plug, if you would like a promo for your business, just email me and, and I will forward them to my team and my email. Let’s see if I have mine up here. I have everybody else’s up here. Of course, I can’t find mine, but anyway, it’s Jan, the number, no, no, not that one. That’s, that’s my personal one. It’s relationshipmatterstv@gmail.com. That’s relationshipmatterstv@gmail.com. So it’s great to have all three of you back. And let’s see if there are any questions coming through. Oops, on my text. Just a moment. Oh, I get a thanks. I did get a thanks to all of your guests for the extremely important information that they provided. So that is a comment from Vanessa. So let’s see if we have any other questions. You know, I tell you, thank you. Thank you, Laura’s on the case for sure. She’s always great support. And I had a wonderful quote to share if there aren’t any questions.

Janie Becker
Okay. So I’m just going through the comments. Janie, she said, I came in late. Can’t wait for the reply to catch your voice. Yeah. To catch your wisdom. Okay. So, so what you said you had a quote?

Janie Becker
Yes. From the former first lady, Rosalind Carter. She says, there are only four kinds of people in the world. Those who have been caregivers, all of us have in our little Hollywood squares here. Those who are caregivers now, those who will be caregivers, and those who will need caregivers.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Very true. Very true. Wow. So let me put something on right quick, you know, while we still have time. Now here is the book by Janie Becker. It’s called “Your Amazing Itty Bitty Self-Care for Caregivers Book: 15 Key Steps to Building a Care for You Action Plan.” You can get that on Amazon. Now, if you don’t remember or you haven’t taken down the name of the book, if you just type her name in Amazon, then she will come up and her book will come up. I just wanted to make sure we got this in, you know, because we only had a few minutes. 90 minutes goes really fast. And Mary Jane, her book, “Surviving the Business of Dying,” that’s a guide to final papers matter and the companion workbook to surviving the business of dying. And that’s also available on amazon.com. And they are such prolific ladies. Ruth Ann, “Say It Now: The Important Things,” a guide, and it is a guidebook for creating legacy letters to celebrate those you love. Now, Mary Jane, where can they get your, Mary, no, I’m sorry, not Mary Jane.

Ruth Ann Wernick
Yeah, it’s just go to capturethejourney.com. I’ll make it as easy as possible. You’ll see that same graphic that Dr. Jan just showed, capturethejourney.com. You’ll see it there. Just click on the link and, and you can download it. It is a digital guidebook with worksheets and pages that will guide you through the whole process.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay. I thought I put it in here, but let me find it. I thought I’d be in here. Okay. Capture, I’ll put it back in here so they can see it. Okay. Capturethejourney.com. Okay. All right. Let’s go. Let’s put it on here. And thank you once again. She put in the chat access to our books. I have another quote for those who are in overwhelm and the drama of the chaos of caregiving. Caregiver expert Cheryl Richardson says, “Just because some people are fueled by drama doesn’t mean you have to attend the performance.” So be steady on.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay. Let me find Laura’s. Oh my goodness, Laura. Okay. But Laura is on the, she is. Thank you, Laura. Okay. Laura. Oh yeah. It’s great. Thank you. All right. So take a screenshot, people. Take a screenshot. And then happy anniversary, Dr. Jan.

Janie Becker
Yeah.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And no, absolutely. 360 TV. Rah, rah.

Janie Becker
Thank you. I haven’t even seen. Okay. Okay. So hold on. Let me. Okay. So thank you. Oh, this, this, this has been amazing. It has been enlightening. And I’m going to get you all’s books because I have here Janie’s and I’m going to use it. Mary Jane for, I guess I’m going to use my son as my lieutenant, but he doesn’t want to, whenever I bring something up, you know, about last wishes, anything, I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to talk about it, but I’m going to have to bring him in to talk about it.

Mary Jane Childs
Well, he is, he needs his own set. That way you can do it together.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Very, very true. Very, very true. So Laura says the links show up in the Facebook comments and you can just click on them. Thank you so much, Laura. Thank you so much.

Janie Becker
Awesome sauce.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So do you have any, any last words? We’ve got four minutes. So you got a minute a piece.

Janie Becker
I do. Yeah, I do as well. So you go ahead, Janie.

Janie Becker
For a discovery session, just put your email, go to aromatherapyplus@verizon.net, put discovery in the subject line and tell me you want your 20 minute free discovery session and I will help you. Thank you.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So that’s aromatherapyplus@verizon.net, correct? Okay. All righty. Showing that aromatherapy plus, plus spell it out.

Janie Becker
Yes, ma’am.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay. Thank you. Spell it out. Okay. All righty. So, okay. Thank you for the opportunity.

Ruth Ann Wernick
So I just want to comment that you’re quite welcome. This has been wonderful. I want to comment. I want to encourage people to, to make the stories a priority for them, even in the midst of caregiving. If you even are, if you’re anticipating becoming a caregiver, now is the perfect time to try to get those stories. But the regret piece around not doing it is something that comes up over and over and over again from people. And then they say, I wish I had them. I wish I knew. And the value of connecting the generations of a family through stories and traditions and wisdom and memories is, it’s just priceless. There’s no way to even put a price on it. So I’ll close with that.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
All righty. And Mary Jane.

Mary Jane Childs
Just leave instructions for those who leave behind. They will be thrilled with the fact that you took the time to think of them, to give them such detail so that they can just march on with the last wishes that you have in your will. They don’t have to figure anything out. It is all there in your pencil and your book because you took the time filled with gratitude. Thank you.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Well, thank you so much, ladies. This is really enlightening, informational. I’m typing something in and it’s taking forever to put in there, but I really enjoy it. And I know that you’ve given value to book so many people. And I really have enjoyed it and have really gotten a lot of information for you, from you. And I’m going to use everything that you said, my peppermint oil, that’s first, and Mary Jane’s workbook and book. And Ruth Ann, I definitely, well, my mom is gone and my father’s gone and my grandmother’s gone. But what I’m going to do is talk to my husband and talk to my son about capturing the journey.

Ruth Ann Wernick
Yeah. Awesome. That’s fantastic. And you also remember you have your memories of your parents that you can also carry forward.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Very true. Very true. So thank you, ladies. Thank you so much. All three of you have a great rest of your day. Thank you so much, Dr. Jan. All right. Okay. Bye-bye.

Janie Becker
Oh, thank you, Janie. She put in that you are awesome. I love it. I love it. I love it. I love it. Love it. So thank you so much, viewers. I hope you, I know, not I hope, I know you got a lot of value from this 90-minute special, self-care for caregivers. What was it? Self-care for caregivers. I guess you could say they’re all wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, wonderful, full of knowledge for self-care for its caregivers. So if you’re a caregiver or you know a caregiver, make sure that you share this episode. Until next time, every Thursday, 7 p.m. Central Standard Time or Central Daylight Time, you can tune into Relationship Matters TV. I will see you all again next Thursday. Alrighty. Take care. Have a beautiful, again, blessed rest of your morning, afternoon, or evening. Bye-bye.