Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Well, good morning, good afternoon, good evening wherever you are in the world. It’s Dr. Jan Fortman with the Relationship Matters show. I hope everyone is having a beautifully blessed morning, afternoon, or evening. It’s evening here in Chicago and it’s dark and it’s raining and it’s windy. People say, “Oh, you know, fall is here and oh, the leaves are so beautiful and I just love the fall.” Well, guess what? I don’t. I think I said that last week because fall means winter is coming and winter means snow. Here in Chicago, snow is beautiful when it’s falling and then next thing you know, it’s ugly and dirty. But anyway, still in all, I’m thankful for just being alive. Now, what I want to say before we start the show is this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Ladies, please, please get your mammograms. It’s so very, very important because breast cancer can be cured when you catch it early. I just really want to emphasize that because I have had a friend who passed from breast cancer because she would not go get mammograms. And then I have friends who are in remission and I have friends who no longer have breast cancer because they made sure that they got their yearly mammogram. So if you haven’t had your mammogram, please go get your mammogram. Alright, now we have a very interesting guest this evening and I just want to tell you a little bit about him before I bring him on. His name is Roger Knecht. So Roger, when you come on, make sure I should have asked you this beforehand, make sure that I’m pronouncing your last name correctly. Anyway, Roger is the president of Universal Accounting Center. So I looked at his bio, but there are some things that I thought were interesting because he can tell you all about what he does and why he does it. But he is a self-proclaimed workaholic and he is passionate about what he does. And what I really, really, really, really like, really, really focused on, he is a God-fearing family man and he’s passionate about helping others accomplish their dreams, which we’re going to talk about. He travels a lot. He especially likes going on cruises. So do I, Roger. I love cruises. He likes to go camping or going to his shack in the woods. Are there bugs and bees and things? Anyway, and lately he’s been introduced by some friends to going off-road side by side trail biking. Roger loves outdoors and he enjoys God’s creations. So we are going to have a conversation about the four keys to having a relationship built on happiness. Now go get someone, go get your next door neighbor, call your friend because this is something that you do not want to miss. This is a conversation that you want to hear all about. So let me bring on Roger.

Roger Knecht
Hello, Dr. Fortman. It’s a pleasure to be here. Thank you.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Hi Roger and thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you for being my guest. So I read your, as I said, I read your biography, but I thought I’d like to focus on some different kinds of things about you so they can kind of get to know you a little, you know, a little more deep, so to speak.

Roger Knecht
I like that.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Kind of who you are on the personal level.

Roger Knecht
And I appreciate that.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, alright. But you know, before we get going, what’s your favorite cruise? Where did you go that you really loved?

Roger Knecht
I’ve really enjoyed the Eastern Caribbean going to St. Thomas and such out of Puerto Rico. That was quite fun.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, alright. Same here.

Roger Knecht
Good.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, same here, same here. I love the Caribbean. I love the Caribbean. We usually try and go on a cruise. Well, the cruise that we like to go on is called Soul Train Cruise. So if you know the 70s, the 70s music, they have all the different guests on and you know, they’re personal up and close, up close and personal. And so I love those cruises.

Roger Knecht
I imagine karaoke is amazing.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Oh, not me, but no, all of them on there. Yeah, but no, no, they perform live.

Roger Knecht
They should go into the karaoke room.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Not me, no, no, no, because I’ve seen people, you know, they really sound good and I’ve seen people it’s like, oh my God, you know, you can’t carry a tune in a bucket. But anyway, so let me start out with something. You are an accountant by trade, correct?

Roger Knecht
Technically, I’m not. I happen to be the president of an accounting school, so I’m overseeing people that instruct individuals in bookkeeping, accounting, tax, and so forth.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Oh, okay. Learned something new because I thought, I don’t know why I thought you were an accountant. I guess it’s because you’re the president of the Universal Accounting Center.

Roger Knecht
It’s a simple assumption and I get it all the time, but no, my background is in communications.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Wonderful, wonderful. Alright, so as far as communication is concerned and relationships are concerned, you are also a couple’s coach, correct?

Roger Knecht
I am, yeah. One of the things that basically happened is I’ve been doing business coaching for a number of years and through the business coaching, there is this inevitable connection between what is happening in the home and how it correlates in the office and with the company. And so when you’re working with owners of businesses, typically they can have things in a relationship at home with spouses or children that impact their ability to focus at work. And so that was a very common thing that we would deal with. I’ve helped individuals that have gone through divorces. I’ve helped individuals that have had children issues. And so those things are very common. But what that ultimately led to is my children got married. And as my children got married, I felt as they were taking this new chapter or step in their life, I felt that they needed some direction and I would be wise to give it to them. And so I definitely said they needed to speak with me before they got married.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Did they listen?

Roger Knecht
Of course they did. I said this to each of the individuals asking. So I have two daughters and I have one son. And I said to both of my daughters, I will meet with your fiancé. And when I met with them, I said, I will give my hand to you in marriage if you will agree to meet with me as a couple four times before you marry. And with that, you will have my blessing. And then when my son was married, I said the same thing to him, but it was a little different because he was marrying his sweet wife. And I said, son, before you marry, I’m going to make the same contingency. Before you wed, I would like to actually meet with the two of you four times before you meet. And in those conversations, you will then get my blessing. And so all three of my children went through the same experience. And it was a wonderful thing for me to do with them. And because of my friends and family knowing about it, it evolved into a course. They suggest a book or a program training, and I created a curriculum around it.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Wow, you know what, that’s amazing. And I asked, did they listen? Because a lot of times, you know, the children, even though they’re adults, feel that sometimes, oh, you don’t know what you’re talking about, or that was old stuff, or I know what I’m doing. And so that’s wonderful that they did listen to you.

Roger Knecht
You know, that is true. I mean, when you’re raising teenagers, you can have those situations where they are indifferent to the counseling, parenting that we’re giving. But fortunately, I had a relationship with my children where we had what I called daddy days. And I would do one with the three children every three months. And so I had been doing that with them before they were teenagers. I’ve been doing it for now more than, oh, about 15 years. And for those 15 years, I at least have a respect and a relationship with my children that I can be very candid and direct, and we can have those deep conversations, and they appreciate them. All three of them value that type of relationship with me, if you will.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, you know, that’s wonderful. So how do you know, or how can you tell that when you are coaching, let’s say business people, entrepreneurs, or whatever, how can you tell when their home life is interfering with their business life, with their professional life?

Roger Knecht
Wonderful question. It’s a simple, simple little assessment. When you’re talking to someone about anything, and in this case, business, as you’re suggesting, I’m trying to coach them, talk to them about their company, but they’re not present. There’s something that’s distracting them. There’s something that they’re dwelling on that’s either in the future that they’re having to deal with or something in the past that just happened, and they’re not present. And when I find that my clients are unable to focus and be present, listen and pay attention, and actually implement things that we’re discussing, it’s easy to say, what’s on your mind? What is it that’s distracting you from what it is that’s so important right now in the business? And it’s oftentimes after I’ve created a very safe environment that they feel comfortable to share, well, there’s something that’s distracting me, and I’m unable to focus. I can’t be present because this just happened, or I know this is coming, and I’m going to have to deal with it. And that’s when they start to reveal some personal things as it relates to relationships, things with their spouses, their children, their family, their siblings, their parents. And you start to learn about struggles that they’re facing that are outside of work, but yet those are the very things that are inhibiting them from being able to focus on the things that need their attention in the business. So in order to get back to business, we’ve got to talk about the personal.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, okay, okay. Well, you said that you do create a safe space so that they will share with you, especially when it’s, you know, something personal.

Roger Knecht
Yeah, they learn very quickly that I’m trying not to judge them. They have all that situation that they’re dealing with. They don’t need my judgment. However, what they need is my support. And so if you can create a safe environment, and this goes for our children, our spouses, where they feel that we are willing to listen and not basically impose our will upon them, then they’re willing to kind of talk through things because in the end, they realize they have to make their own decisions. And that’s very true in business. As a business coach, I’m not there to tell them what to do. I’m there to help them realize what needs to be done, and these are their decisions. And so they’re more eager to implement them. Well, the same can be true in any conversation. If you’re a good listener, Dr. Fortman, I’m sure you can understand and agree with me. If you’re a good listener, people are willing to open up and start to share things just for the very fact that they can talk it through and be heard. And in that process, oftentimes they answer their own questions.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, okay. Have you had, you know, say an instance when you were doing the business coaching and you went on to, you know, couples coaching, but it didn’t work? Or I should say, I would say they want couples coaching, but the spouse or the significant other doesn’t want to be in a coaching situation. Have you had that to happen?

Roger Knecht
Yes, very often. So I’m not an expert in everything, and so there are clearly things that are outside of my skill set, my expertise. And so when you start to hear people express that there are certain things going on, you as a professional need to know your own limits. And so in this case, I was able to advise my client that he needed couples counseling and he needed to see a couples therapist. And so it was something they needed to do together. Now, that’s very important because I’m recognizing that I’m not everything to everyone. I have my strengths. And so in those conversations, it was clear we need some professional help at that coaching level. And the same was true with some of my clients regarding their children. They needed professional help for the children, and the children needed to go into counseling, not with me. I’m a business coach. It was something that they needed to do with somebody that was a specialist with either teenagers or young adults. And so it’s the recognition, however, that it’s okay. What they need is the validation that it’s okay that they’re getting this assistance, this coaching, this support, and that’s what they’re looking for. And so I can do some things. I’m capable with my training to address a variety of things at a very surface level, and sometimes that’s sufficient. Oftentimes, it’s just enough to be heard, and that’s enough of a relief. But otherwise, it does need more of that professional help.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, I get in the same situation with my adult daughter aging mother coaching. There are times when it’s like, you know, I do know my lane, and there are times when I know that they need a therapist or they need a counselor. And I often find that it, you know, it might be the mother who feels that she really wants my services, but it’s the daughter that really needs it. And then when I get with the daughter, it’s like, you know, this is something that I hear you, but this is something that I cannot handle this. And I do refer them to an expert, someone who I think they need.

Roger Knecht
Yeah.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So in the couple’s coaching, let’s talk about the four keys to having a relationship built on happiness. So I know there are four keys. So tell me what the four, tell us what the four keys are, and then we’ll go each one of them.

Roger Knecht
I’m going to tell you what the four are, but I’m going to start by saying this. When I did this with my children, I did one a week, and the intent was to have a half hour to an hour conversation with me and then leave and let them have this conversation. And so let me bring up the four topics, and then I can expound on each of them individually. First of all is God, family, and religion. These three key elements make up what I consider to be the very first conversation that needs to be had when building a relationship that is happy. The second happens to be the love languages, how we each communicate with one another the love that we feel for each other. The third is finance. The fourth is intimacy and sex. It’s that special, unique relationship that the couple can have together. And so I spent each week a half hour to an hour with each of my children as a couple having this conversation. And what caused them to then basically discuss it over the coming week was the fact that I brought the topic up. They needed to now address it because the elephant was in the room. They needed to go over these things.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, well, let’s start with the first one.

Roger Knecht
Certainly, yeah. So God, faith, and religion, I consider them three distinct things. I do believe in a deity. I do believe in a creator, and I want my children to understand that that is very important to me. But I encourage them to share between themselves what is their belief in a higher being. Do they believe in one? Are they atheists? Are they Christians? Are they Muslim? Are they Jewish? Are they agnostic? What is it and why? And I want them to share essentially the feelings and emotions around experiences in their life where they feel God was either there or not there and why that was so important to them. And what I found is when they have these conversations, they start to share very special, very personal experiences that really define how they make decisions about life, whether or not God is important in their decision-making, how God is important in their decision-making. That right there is very important. That leads to faith. Faith is then those principles that you apply in your life. I’m going to be an honest person. I’m going to be a charitable person. I’m going to be a faith-observing person. I want to have God in my life, and I want to have these things in my day-to-day actions. And so you have certain tenets that you start to put into your life, whether or not you’ll watch certain movies, do certain activities, drink alcohol, whether or not you’re going to eat certain foods. This faith is your principle upon which you live your life. And as parents, when we’re raising our children, they oftentimes adopt a lot of these cultures. But as you and I both know, there’s many children now that are trying to live different lives and try different things. But I’d like them, when they’re starting their family, to actually identify what matters so that as a couple, they can have those as their principles. And then the third part of that is religion. I highly believe in organized religion. I believe that when you can associate with peers in an organized religion, allowing you to collaboratively worship and more importantly, give you opportunities to serve, I believe there’s a lot of blessings that can come from that when you can actually participate in an organized religion. And so I encourage them to basically define what is that experience like for them. Do they want to attend church? Where would they like to attend church? How involved would they like to become with the church? And those things are going to define their household as they build their family, and it’s going to impact my grandchildren in the case of my three children. So I want them to have this conversation as a foundation of where they’re coming from, what matters to them, and honestly, it’s their relationship with their God, and that’s what’s important to me.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, so now taking it away from your children, as far as business coaching and you instill that part in it, have you had experiences where, and I’m thinking about a friend of mine, where she’s a Christian, but he’s more so on the Muslim side. Have you found that that can really interfere as far as having a happy marriage, so to speak, and interfere with their professional life?

Roger Knecht
So I’m not really having this conversation at a professional level. This is definitely something I’m having at a personal level with each of these people. So the one thing I’d point out is I’ve had this conversation with youth counselors as they’re dealing with children that are turning up, you know, like getting into relationships, let’s say, that are serious. And so they’re actually having these conversations with those individuals as they’re building committed relationships. I’m actually having this conversation with many individuals that are my age that have children that are basically getting married and helping them understand as adults how to talk to their children that are starting families. So I’ve had this course not just for my children, but it’s actually turned into something that’s been used by youth counselors, by marriage counselors. It’s been used by parents with their children. And just two weeks ago, I did a marriage ceremony. And in order for me to officiate the wedding, I insisted that they go through the course. And as a couple, they went through it, and they were very grateful that I made them do that in order for me to officiate. So this is definitely outside of the work scope. I’m not doing this with my clients necessarily. This is something that is more of a, let’s say, a hobby or something that I did professionally just because it mattered to me with my children and people were interested in it. But let me answer your question regarding the split faith. That’s something for them as a household to determine. I know many homes where one of the spouses is very devout, very religious, very active in their religion, and the other spouse isn’t participating. But the relationship they have is their relationship, and it’s unique to them. And within their household, they get to decide how they’re going to raise the children, whether or not they’re going to have their children participate in one faith or another or none. And this is something they have to deal with. It’s not my issue, but I’m encouraging them through this conversation to have the discussion. The thing that’s very important, and I’d like to emphasize besides this, is nowhere in the course am I imposing or suggesting anything that they ought to do. What I’m doing is I’m bringing up the questions that they need to discuss. And so my intent is to simply say, have you had this conversation? And for you, what does it mean most? And that’s all I’m saying.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, and I’m smiling because a text came in and the question was, have you ever entertained the notion of becoming a preacher?

Roger Knecht
Well, I’ve done youth ministry and I’ve worked with young men. I was involved with the Boy Scout program and very much enjoyed and loved that. And right now I work with a number of young adults. So you could say I’m involved with the youth ministry of sorts.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, okay. That’s why I was smiling.

Roger Knecht
Good.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Well, I love it.

Roger Knecht
I was right on time when you were talking.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Well, my Christian faith is such that I want to basically give back. I want to serve, and I’d like to, in some of my spare time, feel as if I’m making a difference. And as a God-fearing man, I’d like to believe that I’m helping people find their faith. So yeah, this is very important to me. And if anything, let’s consider the couple’s course part of my ministry. How about that?

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, all right. Okay, so now the second one is love languages.

Roger Knecht
Yes.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Tell us a little bit about that.

Roger Knecht
So love languages, for some of you who are familiar, is a book that I would highly recommend. It’s something I was exposed to about a decade ago. So maybe 10 or more years ago, I read the book and it changed my life. It changed the relationships I had, especially with my spouse and my children. There are five languages, and coincidentally, each of them exists in my household. So I’m just going to share what they each are. The first is touch. It’s the language I am most interested in. I’m very sensitive to love being communicated through touch and feeling. The next is service. Service is what my wife is very much inclined to be focused on. She likes to serve and do things. The third happens to be my oldest daughter. She happens to be one that is very much impacted by quality time. She wants to know you’re present and you’re focused on her, the center of attention. The fourth is my son, and it’s words of affirmation. Words mean everything. If you say the right thing, he’s elevated. You say the wrong thing, he feels it, and he goes down, and he’s depressed. The fifth are gifts. My sweet young daughter, she is really one of those people that loves to tangibly feel the love. And so let me just illustrate these very quickly. For touch, it’s not the intimacy that you might assume. It’s I need someone to hold my hand. I need to sit next to someone. I do need to physically touch individuals. I’m a hugger, and so that to me is very important. Well, my wife, that’s less of an issue. What she is, service. When she’s happy, she’ll clean the house, do the dishes, but she wants me likewise to communicate to her my love by doing chores and cleaning up and taking care of things. If I’m committed, she feels that love. When my wife is not focused on love and she feels disconnected, she doesn’t make the bed, she doesn’t do the laundry, she doesn’t do the dishes, she doesn’t make the dinner. And in our household, I can clearly see, okay, she’s not in her space. With my daughter, having that quality time, she just wants to have a good conversation where I’m not distracted, and she needs that from people. That’s how she fills her bucket. My son, words of affirmation, I praise him all the time, and I verbally communicate to him my love, my pride that I have in who he is, and I elevate him that way. But my daughter with gifts, it’s the little things. It’s nothing expensive. She just wants to know that you were thinking of her when you bring something and you give it to her. She collects these little knickknacks, and all of them mean something. It was this trip, it was that vacation, it was this experience, and she can tell you who she was with and what it was for, and she collects these things. They’re physical representations of the love that she has. Well, knowing all of those enabled me to communicate my love and devotion to each of them individually. I was able to give them what they needed to fill their buckets the fastest.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
I’m smiling because I turned around and looked at my husband. And what is his love language? You know what? It’s affirmations, words of affirmation. Yes. Is that right, Keith? You talking about you guess, you know. And Dr. Fortman, what’s yours?

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Two things. Gifts. Gifts, yeah. Gifts and, um, I know, well, gifts, uh, what was the other one? Um, um, quality time, touch, words of affirmation, uh, service and gifts. Service and gifts. Service and gifts.

Roger Knecht
Well, here’s the thing. Imagine when you’re dealing with a young couple and they’re in love and they don’t know what it is they’re actually doing that really fills one another’s buckets. When you learn what your love language is and what the other one has as their primary language, you’re much quicker and able to fill those buckets. And I have had so much success with older people, young adults learning this for the very first time and having epiphanies of, my love language is, not mine, but let’s assume my love language was quality time. And I spent time with the person, but I never said kind words. I never bought gifts and I never did service. I just hung out with them. I thought I was loving the person because I was hanging out with them and that’s what I needed. No, they needed something else and you need to be giving that. Are you communicating those words of affirmation? This is powerful. And when somebody understands this, they are quickly able to better love the person that matters most in their lives.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And I agree. I do have, I think I’ve got two copies of that book of the love, the, uh, what is it? The five love languages.

Roger Knecht
Yes.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah. Yeah. And you are right. A lot of times people have a tendency to give you what they think you want rather than finding out what you want.

Roger Knecht
Yes. What you need.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
What you need. It’s like I was reading something or heard something and it was like they were getting a divorce and the man said, well, you know, I built you this big house, you know, you could buy anything. I was making all this money. But she said, I didn’t want all of that. You will never hear.

Roger Knecht
Yes. Yes. So I’ll give you another example. I love plays. And one of my most favorite plays, literally my most favorite plays is Fiddler on the Roof. And to play, ask his wife, do you love me? And her retort is, for 25 years, I’ve washed your clothes, I’ve taken care of the kids. She goes down this litany of things that she’s done, presuming all those tasks were her devotion. And he turns back and he says, do you love me? And that song is so beautiful because he’s just asking, do you love me? And initially she’s hearing, well, will you do the task? Will you just take care of me? No, I’m asking, will you love me? And I think that’s one of the things that we as couples need to do better with our spouses is understand what it is we can do to fill their buckets. And most importantly, I need to emphasize this as well, how often we poke holes in our spouse’s buckets because we sabotage the relationship because we know what matters and we use harsh words. We use, we don’t do the services because we’re trying to get back. That is evil. It is wrong. And shame on anyone that misuses this understanding of the love languages.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay. Alrighty. I love this conversation, but Roger, I have to take a quick commercial. And then when we come back, we’re going to talk about finances and intimacy and sex. Okay. Alright. So everyone don’t go away. You got to come back because this is extremely valuable information that he’s given us. So we’ll be right back.

[Music]

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
We are back with Roger Knecht. And Roger, you have to tell me whether or not I’m pronouncing your name like I’m supposed to pronounce.

Roger Knecht
You’re doing amazing. It’s Knecht like connect the dots and you’ve said it right every time.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Knecht. Okay, great, great, great. So let’s talk about the third one as far as having a happy life.

Roger Knecht
Oh yes, finances. So finance is very important and oftentimes I find that this is a difficult one for people to discuss and yet we deal with money all day long. So finance, what I want to do is first of all, realize that there’s a lot of philosophies and approaches to this. So I first of all, in the conversation, encourage them to find what’s best for them in their relationship. And they can talk to their parents and find out how their parents did it. They can talk to family and friends and mentors and see how they handle their spousal finances, but they need to come to a decision on their own. But the thing I want them to realize is there first of all needs to be communication. So I talk to them about a few of the common things that too often lead to problems. And first of all, it’s this conversation of what once was mine is now ours. And it’s the realization that we are now one in a relationship and the finances are coming in to actually build a household. And initially without children, it might be less obvious, but once you start building a family, there’s more and more of this our component. And so what we want to do is focus on first of all, understanding how do you make money? What happens to money? How taxes impact that? We get into fixed expenses. And one of the things that a lot of times young adults don’t recognize that we as older adults get into is at some point we have life insurance. At some point we have health insurance. At some point we’re dealing with things that these young adults, they probably in their youth never even realize. They hear it, they maybe see it on television, they hear healthcare, they hear life insurance, but they’ve never thought about what those really mean. And so all of a sudden I’m having conversations about when is it that they ought to consider getting life insurance. And in that I give one story. My cousin, she happened to have been in her mid 20s. Her and her husband had gone river rafting and the two of them in the early spring while river rafting drowned. They had five children under the age of five. They had no life insurance. So immediately these five children needed to be raised by the grandparents and the challenges that brought, that financial burden that came from that, it was unimaginable. And I distinctly remember at the funeral service with both of the coffins below at the pulpit, my uncle, the grandfather, communicating how inappropriate it was that they left these children so destitute. And so I use that as a way of communicating to them that it’s no longer about them. By getting married, this isn’t about them. It’s becoming a couple and individually they’ve got to start thinking less selfishly. And so finances, we start to talk about things that they may want to consider investing in, investing in education, investing in a home and some of the expenses and how debt is managed. These conversations are very important. But the last one that I talk on is basically how they can, how are they going to manage their own personal preferences? Maybe I like to get a coffee or a drink in the morning. Maybe you don’t. Well, at the end of the month, I’ve spent, let’s say $100 on a donut and a coffee and a donut and a coffee and you, you’re spending it on your nails. Well, you can’t begrudge me for the coffee and the soda and the donut and I can’t begrudge you for you’re doing your nails. But when it comes to both of us needing to give sacrifices, maybe you don’t do your nails as often and maybe I don’t get as many coffees. So you start to talk about, well, do I have an allowance? Do I have a personal fund that I’m able to either save up and get something big or am I able to just spend it on little things, little things that just make life more enjoyable? And then one part of this that I’d like to stress is at what limit do you need to consult one another when making a decision? When you’re newlyweds, it might be a $100 transaction, a $50 transaction that you don’t do without the other one’s consent. Because who wants to come home with a $500 purchase and the spouse thought the money was being saved for some other thing and you come and blow all $500 on something that was unexpected. That threshold needs to be decided upon and it’s a number that’s irrelevant, but to the couple, they need to decide what that is. And as you grow older and your finances get better, maybe that $100 decision becomes a $500 decision, becomes a thousand decision where you don’t do it unless you talk. And it avoids so many of those uncomfortable conversations where somebody accessed the money and did something that wasn’t agreed upon. These things can save marriages. And so I try in that conversation to expose them to each of these things and have them discuss what are they going to do about their finances? Are they going to commingle funds? Are they going to get a joint bank account? Are they going to keep money separate? How are they going to take care of some of the things that matter to them? I like to get my hair done. I like to have my nails done. These are conversations that when they were dating, they probably weren’t having, but now they’re very real.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, yeah. And if those conversations are not had, then there’s trouble down the line. And like you said, you know, oh, wait a minute, you spent this on that and we needed this. And yeah, yeah, yeah. And like you said, that is most couples, from what I understand, get divorced because of finances.

Roger Knecht
That’s right.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yeah, yeah. This is a story. She’s not listening, so I tell the story. She doesn’t have Facebook and she doesn’t watch. But anyway, she was saving her money. And I want to ask you this question too, after I tell you the story. She was saving up her money and she didn’t have it in the bank, but she had it in a jar or whatever. And I think it was something like $400 or $500. And her husband heard that it was this really good deal on TVs. So he took the money without telling her to buy this TV. And it was like buying it off of someone on the street. Well, when he got the box back home and opened up the box, it was a really nice looking TV screen and a bunch of other junk. And that was it. And her thing was, you know, always keep commingling your money. Now, this is real, real old school. Her mother and my mother said, always have something on the side that your husband does not know about. So what do you think about that?

Roger Knecht
First, the first answer is everybody does it their own way. So there’s not a right or a wrong. But I’ll answer the money on the side. I’m all for that. I think everybody needs to have their own individual slush fund. Somebody needs to have the ability to spend the money, save the money for what matters to them. And so that’s very important because let’s assume that somebody’s in a relationship and just for the sake of the conversation, you have an interest where you want to go buy a rug for the living room. I don’t see value in a rug. I don’t want a rug. I’m not going to spend my money on a rug. But you want the rug. It enhances the decor of the house. Is that a we purchase? Is that a you purchase? Well, I don’t know. But if I say it does, it’s not the money I want to put our funds towards because we’re trying to save for a barbecue and you want the carpet. Well, you may in turn just say, I want the carpet. It means a lot to me. And you take your funds and put it into the carpet. My point is there’s no right or wrong. But there is something to be said that I don’t have to ask for a $20 purchase, a $50 purchase. And if I don’t want to spend my $50 this month, my $100 this month, next month I’ve got $200 I get to spend how I choose. So I’m all for that because I don’t feel that when you build a relationship and become a couple and start a family, you lose your identity. You don’t stop being you. In fact, if anything, it’s you that brought the whole relationship together because the other person was drawn to you. So why are you changing? So let’s keep our personal relationships and that enables us to still have our own wants and our desires as they relate to the use of funds. That’s great. But if you have your little allowance, you can play with it. And by the way, as a side note, one of the things I do talk about is a slush fund, an emergency fund, monies that you can have aside so that when life happens, you have means to replace the refrigerator, get new tires on the car, take care of something that happened, you know, where the child breaks their arm. You’ve got to have a slush fund and that helps you weather the storms of life.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yes, I agree. I agree. Now the fourth one, intimacy and sex. Let’s chat about that.

Roger Knecht
You bet. You know, this is interesting. You have to understand in the context of my couple’s conversations with my children and others, this is now the fourth conversation. So we’ve had one that’s been about God, faith, and religion. So we’ve clearly set some good foundation here. We’ve talked about love, the importance of love and feeling vulnerable. We’re talking about finance. And so we’ve got that foundation. So let’s talk about the one thing that personally I believe is unique to the couple. And I’m maybe old school, but I’m very much of the belief that this is a relationship that they will have amongst themselves and with no one else. And so I help them recognize that this is something unique and special and that in our cultures, in our families, sometimes we have stereotypes and stigmas that are put upon intimacy and physical relationships, taboos where someone has said something that says this is right or this is wrong. And I first of all want them to recognize this is for them to decide. They need to communicate and decide what they like, enjoy, and what they want for themselves. What is important for them. Now I do give them the opportunity to explain what they like and enjoy and tell them they need to communicate this. They need to verbally express themselves. But two pieces of advice that I do share when I teach this one to the older individuals, my friends and colleagues that are working with younger adults and having these conversations, I first of all suggest assume they don’t know anything about intimacy as it relates to physical relations, which is to say I don’t ask how intimate they’ve already been. I assume they haven’t. And I’m going to just say here’s how babies are made. Let’s at least make sure we all understand that. I’m not going to assume anything. The second thing is I want them to understand that these conversations that they’re having should be encouraged between the two of them and unless professionally being helped should only be between the two of them. A lot of mistakes are made when men speak to other women and women speak to other men about the relationships they have with their spouses. And so I think this needs to be something that they keep between the two of them. And I encourage them to lean inward on one another and build a healthy intimate relationship with each other, expressing what they want, desire, and enjoy. And if they can communicate that, they will grow closer together over the years as they experiment, try, and experience new things together. That’s powerful. They need to realize this is the one thing, in my opinion, that is unique about their relationship that they don’t have with anyone else but only their spouse. And I stress that upon them. And if they hear that, they have that conversation and they decide for themselves what that means for them. And in the course, I give suggestions and ideas and we go down that. But the point is, this is hugely important because at the end of the day, in my opinion, the union that they’re going to create is to say that I’m committing myself to the other person, to you and no one else from this day forward. And so I’m turning away in every way all those other distractions and I’m devoted to you.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, all right. It’s a question that came in. Can you share with us what is the biggest distraction that someone has shared with you?

Roger Knecht
Yeah, two things. In my community, there’s a lot of people that are having faith crisis as it relates to God and religion. They’ve been raised in a certain religion where they participate and they as young adults either don’t believe as their parents and they don’t know how to communicate that or they don’t have the same devotion as their spouse. And so they don’t know how to communicate that this isn’t as important to them or how they’re choosing to live their life or worship is different than the other person would like. And that creates some tension. And what is encouraged is, and this is my opinion, as important as God is, I don’t want the spouse to feel as if they’re second in the sense that I will put them away, shun them, and not be devoted to them. I want them to know that I’m here and I’m committed to the relationship. And so that’s what I want in that conversation where someone is opening up and being vulnerable that their priorities as it relates to God, faith, and religion are different than their spouses. So anyways, that’s the first one. The second one is with intimacy. I find it sad when people don’t communicate with their spouses and start to have very intimate conversations with people outside of the household. And in those conversations start to express frustrations and also desires. And that conversation initially might seem simple and benign and innocent, but unfortunately it will snowball into something very, very ugly. And those conversations need to be ones that you have with your spouse. And so those are my two things.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay. And another question came in. Where did you get the info that you train others with?

Roger Knecht
Very good. So first of all, God, family, and religion, as I mentioned, I’m Christian. And so I lean on the scriptures for that. I have some conversations that are based around what faith is and what organized religion is based on basically what it says in the New Testament. And so I really go down that path. As it relates to love, the love languages are clearly based on that book that we both just discussed. It’s called Love Languages. That is the emphasis or the impetus of it. I encourage everyone to go take the online assessment to determine what their love language is. And so I encourage that. As it relates to finance, clearly I’m in the accounting profession and I deal with finance and personal finance. And so I spoke to a number of financial planners and got some input from them because they’re financial planners. They technically can’t do a show or teach because of their regulations in their profession. And so none of them would be willing to come forth, but they were very willing to share with me information that I could then bring to the table. And with the intimacy and sex, there’s a number of books that I’ve read and things regarding couples counseling and regarding just in general that I feel very comfortable communicating about it. I’m very comfortable talking about it. And so for that reason, I was able to have these conversations and share my opinion. The best answer I can give is I am a father and I’m a husband. And if anything, that gives me the credentials to speak to my children at a minimum.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, so now I put on the lower third how people can get a lot of this valuable information. So tell us about this. They can reach you where?

Roger Knecht
So if you want to reach me, I do most of my connections via LinkedIn. So happy to connect with anyone via LinkedIn. So reach out to me that way. Second, you can go to our website. It’s universalaccounting.com. And clearly this has nothing to do with accounting, so please in no way suggest or be confused by that. But if you go to universalaccounting.com, there is in the navigation free resources. In the free resources, there’s step two. It’s after the eBooks. There are courses. The third course is a course that talks about personal finance. And it’s there that you get the finance instruction and the couples course for free. You just fill out a form. The form is what allows you to create a profile that gives you access to the online training. The instructions are through professionally done videos and handouts. This course is specifically designed for adults that have children or young adults that they’re working with that are getting in relationships or getting married. I’ve had many individuals that are in their 40s, 50s, 60s that have found this to be helpful with their own relationships, but clearly they’re doing this with the young adults in mind. And then obviously it was originally designed for my children. So I share this with all the young adults I interact with through youth ministries and so forth as they’re getting into their relationships. I want them to have this conversation. And so that’s where they go and they go through this course, the four steps, and they find happiness.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Alright, okay. Thank you so much. So I put that, okay, audience, I put that on the screen so you can see it and I’m running it across the lower third so you can see that. So now what you can do if you don’t write it down, because as I told you who my audience is, that you can take a screenshot and or just take your camera and take a picture. And that way you’ll have all of this valuable information in where you can get a lot of this valuable information. Well, Roger, I want to thank you so much for being my guest. Learned a lot and I really want to thank you. And got my husband sitting over here. And how did you like it, Keith?

Keith
Very good.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay, he approves. He approves. He approves, right, right. So I’m going to emphasize my love language as soon as we get off.

Roger Knecht
I’m a gift person.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
You are a gift person. Yes, yes, yes.

Roger Knecht
Get the woman some jewelry.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Thank you. Jewelry, whatever. And it doesn’t matter. Wait, wait. And vacuum every now and then.

Roger Knecht
There you go. That’s the service part.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Well, thank you so much, Roger. You have a beautifully blessed rest of your evening.

Roger Knecht
Thank you and God bless, Dr. Fortman. It’s been a pleasure and I appreciate the opportunity. So thank you and thank you again.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Thank you again. Bye-bye. Oh, I have enjoyed this and I know you have too. And I’m leaving this up here on the screen so that you can go to, if you can’t see the lower third or, you know, but you can go to universalaccounting.com and you can get all of the information that you need. So, and this, I don’t know who this was, but what they said is, and I hope, well, anyway, it says Facebook user is not coming up. Facebook user said good info. Yes, it was. Yes, it was. So thank you everyone who, there it is. Thank you everyone who decided to join us this evening. I know that you received a lot of information and I know that it is going to help you in your relationships. And so you can have some happiness in that relationship. Alrighty, so I will see, oh, here’s another comment and I only got a minute. Let’s see. Oh, this was someone that said, was letting me know, Anise said it. Okay, Anise. Anise said good info. Thank you, Anise. We both thank you. So I will see everyone next week. And remember, there are all kinds of relationships and there are all kinds of relationship matters. What is life? Life is all about relationships. So I will see you again next week. Have a beautiful, blessed rest of your morning.