Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Good morning, good afternoon, good evening wherever you are in the world. Dr. Jan Fortner with Relationship Matters. I hope all of you are having a beautiful blessed morning, afternoon, or evening. Well, today’s show I have with me again Denise Garrett. We had so much excellent feedback from when she was on before talking about her Courageous Leadership Academy that people were asking me when are you gonna have her back on and I said okay, alrighty, she is coming back on and we’re going to talk about something a little bit different although it’s still going to be related to Courageous Leadership Academy. Before I begin though, I want you… oh wait, you have to get that it’s opposite. I have on my breast cancer awareness ribbon and this is Breast Cancer Awareness Month so ladies if you have not gotten your mammogram please please please please go get your mammogram and even if you have and I know that I get one once a year but even if you are scheduled for let’s say you just had one maybe three or four months ago if you still feel something that you think is not quite right if you follow your first mind and you feel like you need another one talk to your doctor and get another one. I have a friend who had a mammogram and they didn’t see anything but she just felt something was wrong and she had another one they still didn’t see anything and then she had a third one and that’s when they found a very very small lump, a tumor and it ended up that she does have breast cancer so I just encouraging all of you talk to your friends and tell them get a mammogram. So guess what this show is about? I’m gonna show you a little bit give you a hint.
Denise Garrett
Oh thank you Dr. Jan for having me back. It’s an honor to be here with you, your beautiful presence, and all of your wonderful audience that’s listening or watching. And like her, I wish you all a Happy Morning, a happy afternoon or evening and yes, get your breasts checked please. You know there’s so many advances in breast cancer treatment that it, you know, really do you do yourself and all of your loved ones a favor and just get on it and stay on it.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay so Denise let’s start with you. So tell me about your relationship with your mom start from the very beginning when you are because it popped out well you can remember do you remember that far back?
Denise Garrett
But I imagine for my mom I was a bit of a challenge for her my entire life probably right when I popped out because my mother she actually grew up she lost her mom when she was six years old and that made a big impression on her understandably and so she kind of grew up they didn’t have a lot of money she had a brother and a sister she was the baby and her father and they just they didn’t have a lot of money she didn’t have a mom she got picked on at school she got bullied at school really and she kind of has like this low risk tolerance or sometimes I call it the scaredy cat syndrome or the worry war and I’m not knocking her for that it’s just not who I am so as a little girl I am like an adventuresome Soul I’ve been that way my entire life and so I was the one that was you know climbing trees and falling and getting scraped knees on my bike and trying to jump things I had no business jumping and that kind of thing so I know for my mom I imagine anyway that I was quite a challenge for her but she did I think as good a job as she could with me of course she wished that I wouldn’t take so many risks because that would have made her feel like I was safer and she’s really that’s the job of a mom is to want her kids to be safe so in that sense I think she just really wanted me to be safe and happy and well and I think that’s what most moms want but I know I was a challenge for her because I just wasn’t that kid I wasn’t the Frills kid I was the you know I wanted to be out and about playing and mud piles and things like that rather than you know in Philly dresses at home playing with dolls so I know it was a challenge for her.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So I’m listening to you you’re talking about the challenges you know when you were young and also about you know how your mom was brought up and a lot of times well not a lot of times I would say all the times that really affects how they parent their daughters how moms you know really parent their daughters and it’s usually generational you know however they came up they actually that’s the way they know and then that’s the way they’re familiar with and then that’s the way they usually bring up their daughters and that’s the way whatever it is in here is how they View what you know how their daughters are supposed to be and when a daughter is not like Mom wants to you know mom wants you in frilly dresses you know I know my mom wanted me to wear pink I hated pink I still don’t like pink. But so do you think that I hate to call it a generational curse but do you think that really played a huge part in the way that your mom viewed you?
Denise Garrett
Like I know she loves me I think it’s I’ve just been a challenge for her in so many ways because she doesn’t understand me like I went skydiving one time and you know I was on my bucket list I was so excited I got to go to this really cool thing but I knew not to tell her until I’d done it and we were at dinner after the fact and I showed her some photos of that adventure and I was so happy and she was like oh my God you could have died doing that and she got really worked up and then I had to like Mom Mom like I’m patting myself ashore of standing up I’m fine I didn’t break anything I didn’t get hurt I’m fine and that’s why I didn’t tell you before I did it because I didn’t want you to worry all that worry is not good for you so I do think many times things are generational and I also think sometimes we can look at our parents and say you know not that um so like I love to share the story my mom has a sister who’s 18 months older than she is and they look very similar but the way they cook was very different so So my aunt is a clean up as you go kind of cook and my mom is make a huge mess and then clean up afterwards and as a child having to clean up after them and help out I decided that I liked my aunt’s method better No Slam against mom her food was great my aunt’s food was great it was just my personal preference so I think as children we’re always like observing and then we try things on and it’s like do I like this do I not unfortunately some things are unconscious so we like we laugh about this sometimes in the car my mom when I was learning how to drive she used to scare me to death and she almost called me to have a major crash one time because she was like when she thought she saw something coming and I hit the brakes when I really needed to keep going it scared this both to death and every now and then now I’ll do that when my sweetie’s driving and it’s like I can’t believe you did that especially after what your mom did and I’m like I’m sorry I’m sorry know so it’s in there whether I like it or not that part is sometimes makes its appearance but I also think as children we like even now my father’s gone and I didn’t get to know him as a person like I knew him as a dad but I didn’t know him as a person and I wish I had had that opportunity to get to know him more as a person than just as a dad I mean glad I had him as a dad don’t get me wrong but but when it comes to moms like I don’t know there’s just a different relationship with moms and daughters and for me the relationship’s been very challenging at times my mom is a southern lady and she’s very fiercely independent and she can she’s very stubborn and sometimes it can be hard to to break through something she has her mind made up about and as her caregiver now that that creates a lot of challenges sometimes.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
How old is your mom?
Denise Garrett
She’s 84.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Oh okay okay I have a chapter in my book and the title is lordy lordy I have become my mother so when you so I’m listening to you when you said about driving and you know when you’re driving in the car so in that way you were your mom yeah so now so are there things about you that you when you look back even though you might have said I’m going to do something different I’m not going to think that way but you find that you really kind of mimic your mind?
Denise Garrett
I’m trying to think I think I I think I I think you’re independent I am fiercely independent I am stubborn everybody says I’m stubborn my father said that he’s he was stubborn he said Lord child he said I’m stubborn your mom’s stubborn and you’re stubborn he goes you got it from both of us and you came in the world with your own special brand of it so according to him I’m more stubborn than all of all than both of them put together and that may be true he I think from an early age and I think my mom had to be this way too when she made up her mind she was going to achieve something she she just did it she put every her whole heart and soul into it and from that regard like I’d really admire her because she did grow up sometimes the only thing they had to eat was pinto beans and cornbread and she grew she grew into a woman that worked full-time when it wasn’t popular like when other moms were stay-at-home moms most moms and she she was a real Pioneer in that sense but she was committed to giving her child and her family better than she had and and she did she succeeded tremendously at that I’m very proud of her and she because she did that it’ll you know it gave me many opportunities that I wouldn’t have had otherwise.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay all right so you so how did what do you think as far as how the relationship with your mom has affected your other personal relationships do you see some kind of connection there?
Denise Garrett
Yeah I sometimes think of my mom as a bit well I did when I was growing up I felt like my dad was a bully and was mean to her sometimes and and she played the uh the victim role or the poor me and sometimes like I kind of thought of her as a doormat like it seemed like she gave a lot more than she received and then when I look back on some of my relationships my romantic relationships I certainly can see where I gave more than I received so I mirrored her in that way until I healed some things and you know I guess really I got my heart broken just enough to wear along and they said enough’s enough but yeah I think I did that like like my mom did I I appreciate generosity and I want to be a generous person but there is like a balance in there.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
What about your professional relationships?
Denise Garrett
Yes I’m trying to think I think just being stubborn and like in the fire department I had to be tough with it with my guys like I couldn’t take anything off of them so in that sense I don’t think I was I think my father better prepared me for that he picked on me like you know like the typical teasing and tickling and all that stuff even when you were like no no no stopping you minute and he kept going but it was perfect for the fire department because I learned from my father if you show them that it bothers you they do it more but if you act like it doesn’t bother you it stops because they’re not getting their Chuckles or their jollies or whatever it is so he helped me with that probably more so than my mom I will say one thing my mom and is is very kind and I think that serves me well in all relationships I let kindness and compassion lead the way if you will it sounds corny but it’s very powerful when I do that with people whether it’s professional or not like when I was in the Emergency Operations Center for cdc’s response to a couple of things it was nice because in FEMA it was nice because they if somebody was it’s very stressful environment when you’re doing that kind of response and when somebody was getting too wrapped up the guys that knew me would come the higher-ups would come and say Denise can you take so-and-so for a walk and I knew that meant like try to calm them down try to you know de-stress them okay that was the code was let’s you know can you take so-and-so for a walk and and of course I did and and it’s really just listening okay and empathizing with their stress and and the frustrations that come along with it and I I would say that to anyone watching you know one of the biggest gifts that you can give your mother or your daughter is listening in empathy and compassion you know and it’s hard when you’re the parent because you want to you want them to succeed you want them to you know be well you you want this and you have in your mind what that looks like but when you go at someone like that they shut down and and you know it doesn’t serve the relationship as well as when you can hold that non-judgmental listening space and empathize with them even if like like you know I’ve screwed up in life and thank God my mom like I screwed up one time and she helped me and thank God she didn’t be like I told you so or anything she didn’t even like judge me which for my mom was quite miraculous but she she was just there for me I mean she was just totally there and it was one of the sweetest moments when I’ll look back I I was going through a breakup and I hadn’t told my parents yet that we were broken up and she knew and she just asked me about it she said when are we planning on telling me and I was like how did you know and she said I know my child okay and then she said are you you know are you okay what can I do how can I help you and we just had a really nice conversation about it and there was no like there was no I told you so or anything like that it was just a really loving space.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Okay all right so I know that you’ve had challenges in your mother-daughter relationship and and I think usually was daughters get to be young adults so to speak and then even older that’s when the challenges start and a lot of it is because you kind of strike out on your own you know what I’m saying I was telling someone nature versus nurture you know so your your mom which is the most I tell people it’s the most important relationship it’s your very first relationship and it’s really the most important relationship that you have in your life because it affects everything it affects all your other relationships so what happens sometimes is that once we get to be adults so to speak and mom really doesn’t have a lot to say so you know she might have a lot of this is the way I want you to go if this is the way I want you to be so you have a major challenge with your mom so tell us about it.
Denise Garrett
So which one are you thinking of the the being gay or the firefighter and thing?
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Well we the which one came first?
Denise Garrett
Gay so I knew when I was young young I was different I didn’t really know what to call it and then at some point I figured out what it was and all I prayed was let me get out of this house and be able to financially support myself before they find out because they’re Southern Baptist and I I just knew that they would hate me condemn me to hell and throw me out and I really wanted to go to college and graduate from college so I prayed and I made it out of the house without them finding out and I went to college and it was during college that they found out and that’s been like I always thought my mom would have an easier time with it just because I don’t know I felt like she loved me unconditionally and my dad was the one that was always at church.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Go ahead well yeah how you said they they found out when you were in college how did they find out?
Denise Garrett
That’s an adventure in itself so I played soccer and on the weekends I was playing soccer and staying with my partner at the time and I wasn’t going home to visit and my mom was upset about that and so my dad I had an apartment when I on campus or near campus and my dad’s Aunt ran the apartment and gave me a really great deal which is how I could afford it and anyway he broke into my apartment and went through my stuff and found out basically found a love card and then he showed up at one of my soccer games unannounced and confronted me about it and that didn’t go well but then he to his credit he he really didn’t give me any grief about it I think maybe he’s some part of him knew we I don’t know he just he never gave me anything about it mom had a tougher time with it and I don’t know if it’s that she thought she did something wrong or I really don’t know but she surprised me she struggled with that and just when I would think she was making peace with it so to speak she would say something that was very hurtful to me and sometimes to whoever I was seeing at the time and it was just it was a really it’s been hard there were some many hard years in there until I guess about almost 15 years ago I’m with my lovely partner now and my mom absolutely loves her so go figure haven’t we’ve had one steam or two along the way but overall it she’ll actually say I love her so that’s just it’s incredible but painful because she I try to remember that she a good mom wants their kid to have an have an easier life and that’s not the easy life there’s a lot of discrimination that can happen you know it’s it’s like one of my best well my best friend is an African-American psychologist and we just we love each other we’re like family but she said to me one time yes I know you’re gay and I know it’s hard but you can hide that I can’t hide the color of my skin and that hit me hard because I know what I face as a gay person but that hit because I can’t I don’t have to let you know you might wonder you might think it but if I don’t confirm it you don’t know but yeah you can’t hide the color of your skin and so that like I’m glad she said it I’m glad we’re that kind of friends because it did make a huge impression and it it adjusted some mindsets that I think were very helpful for me so now I have more compassion more empathy and maybe a tiny bit more understanding I’m not gonna know what it’s like to walk in like your shoes Dr. Jan but I I have a more of appreciation for how difficult it might be at times and I don’t know how I got on that but my mom has been a challenge in the it with the gay thing and we just in many ways we just have different like I said risk risk fact tolerance ratios you know and I don’t like I think my mom sometimes thinks I take like you know these big life risk things and I don’t like even firefighting we train we we have gear to protect us we’re a team we work together so yes something could go wrong yes of course you could die I could die getting in my car going to the grocery store too you know it’s it’s like it’s all about just situational awareness is what we call it in the fire department but it’s about being aware of your surroundings making the best decisions you can and I don’t want to live my life in fear and that’s what I chose a long time ago probably around the time I realized I was gay it was like I have a choice I can live a lie or I can just be true to who I am and I’m going to be true to who I am and and and face whatever comes with that and it hasn’t always been easy but I wouldn’t change it now when I was in the department I was not out I was my County’s first and only female firefighter and I I was trying to win that battle so to speak before I added more gasoline on the fire and a coach a mentor of mine recommended that I not until we knew that battle had been won so I didn’t but after I left I was determined I will never be in the closet again I was like I’m not I am who I am I I know I’m a good person and like it love it not that’s your problem not mine.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So did you have so when your mother came to accept Who You Are you know how do you think she came about accepting it especially since it was so hard for for her in in the beginning?
Denise Garrett
I really I think she still worries because she’s Southern Baptist and she’s like old school Southern lady so I think she still worries that I might like die and go to hell and understandably if that’s your belief then yeah you don’t want your kid to go there if you love your kids so I just kind of take that one and let her you know that’s her that’s her belief I’m not necessarily going to change her beliefs but I think just more she got she realized like I’m a good human being and actually I do live a pretty good life I have really good friends I know that I’ve had some key friends that have made a huge difference in her in her like being with me and and me being gay and it’s one of them is a dear friend who’s also gay she’s we’ve known each other as she says since I was a puppy and then my other friend is my best friend I told you about but she just sees like straight gay it doesn’t matter like there’s people loving people in my life really good quality people that even she loves to hang out with so yeah like you know I’m really okay and I’m as safe as most people are in the world.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
So why did your father break it to your apartment?
Denise Garrett
My mom thought I was doing drugs of all things and so he just wanted to he didn’t he told me he didn’t necessarily believe that but he didn’t know what was going on and he was trying to shut her up or calm her down is what I should say so and I now that he’s gone I understand what the poor man went through but he he just wanted to see if he could figure out what was going on like he wasn’t that he was just trying to get Intel so that was why he found out what he needed to know because he figured out where I was staying so you know he got it it caused a riff in our relationship for a while.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
We gotta come back because I want to talk about some of the challenges that we see in the adult daughter Asian mother relationship so hang on we will be right back and but we did have one comment before we go let me find it when we were talking about about moms knowing their children yes and you said yes mothers really know their children very well and you know what and the children think we don’t know them Maxine you nailed that one I’m telling you moms in both their children very well very very very well okay so we will be right back with Denise.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Well we are back and yes I am the author of let me get it right here there it is so the light won’t shine on it the secrets to how not to Throw Mama From the train it’s all about how to navigate the challenges in the mother-daughter relationship it is available on amazon.com and you can buy it from me directly with a signed copy at Jan for now and actually I will put that up later not in the lower third Jan the number four n o w 125 gmail.com that’s Jan for now one two five at gmail.com and if you feel that you need to talk to someone I do give a half hour free Discovery call and then we’ll find out from then is if there’s something I can help you with right then and there or if you need a little more help and then you can get into my coaching program so that was my Shameless plug before so I’m back so let’s talk about some of the issues that and it seems like that you have been able to overcome the issues with your mom but there are a lot of times when adult daughters and their moms have real issues and they have difficulty navigating those issues now I have a friend and then one of my clients who says that well who she’s the mom and she says that no matter what advice she gives her daughter her daughter does the opposite so and I asked her about the advice and a lot of times advice it’s it’s good advice but her daughter does the opposite so how do you think that I’m I’m going to use you so when you talk about I know you’re the founder of courageous leadership Academy how do you think what do you think that that Mom should do or what suggestions do you have for her?
Denise Garrett
It’s a complex issue so is I don’t know how old the daughter is.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
In her 30s.
Denise Garrett
So reverse psychology is the first thing that comes up but truly if if you can listen to whatever she’s going through without your agenda and it’s hard as a parent it’s hard when we care about someone and we see the solution so plainly so clearly and we know it works because we’ve been there before so to speak and we’ve used this solution and it worked and it’s worked for you know 15 000 of our friends but if she’s not taking the advice that my my best guess is at some level she may not feel heard like truly heard so holding just the space and and getting curious about what it’s like in her world and what she’s experiencing and just listening without giving any advice okay is the one place I would start that and I would say I always usually say it depends so if it’s something life-threatening to her you gotta act you just gotta intervene that’s that’s the bottom line I don’t care how old is like my mama says she’s 84 and she says I’m I’m always going to be her baby and that’s true so if if truly I’m I was doing something foolish and Reckless and dangerous with my life she she would have the right and desire to intervene and I think she should but if it’s like normal like I don’t know if it’s I don’t know the real issue but depending on what it is that holding that listening space because what I’ve discovered is kids when kids feel judged and this doesn’t matter how old the kid is when they feel judged they shut down when and when they shut down like you’re not getting all of the information that you need to really truly help them although like like Maxine said mamas know their children really really well so it’s really when you know your child really well it’s even harder sometimes to hold that kind of non-judgmental listening space and just let them be and talk and and then ask would you like me to give you some guidance because and if they say no respect it and that’s hard it’s hard to let go it’s hard to let go of your babies I know I have a cousin who I was really close to her kids when they were young young and her son I was babysitting him well them him and his sister and he came home from school one day and he was like nine years old and he asked me about condoms you wanted a condom and it took everybody nine years old and he asked me for a condom and he was asking questions about condoms like what’s this kind versus this kind and you know I didn’t know I was and but it took every ounce of self-control I had not to have a meltdown because I was everything in me was like you’re nine years old you don’t need to know this you know inside I’m panicking but something in me new I have to stay calm I have to listen and I have to find out why he’s curious about this because if I blow up like what was going on inside of me he’ll never talk to me again ever and I I didn’t want like I wanted to him to have that I wanted to be the go-to like you can come to me and so when I asked him it just was something simple one of his kids had been in his brother’s wallet and found one and brought it to school and he and his buddies and I knew all of his little friends they were being curious as any kid would be and then they started talking about different kinds because of the other kid ended up you know like a couple days later bringing one home from that he found in his dad’s nightstand and it was a different kind and then there were the questions and so he asked me and so I told him the truth I was like son I don’t really I can tell you what they’re used for and why you should use them when the time is appropriate which is not now but I don’t know the answer to your questions but I know the guys and I’ll ask them for you my firefighter guys I’ll ask them and that was hard it was hard to to go get Intel but that’s kind of like when you’re when you want that relationship with your child or you know someone you care for that’s that’s how it’s a it’s just an effective method it’s not the only method you know like I had a mama and when I was younger I was getting off track she had passed and I was having a dream and in the dream she kicked like I remember this vividly like I was dreaming and she was trying to get my attention to get me back on track and I wasn’t listening in the Dream well she kicked my me in the seat of the pants and I literally lifted off the bed and woke up really and I I said okay Mama I hear you I won’t do it I’ll behave I’ll do the right thing I’ll straighten up you know I was like just please don’t ever do that to me again so I think that our elders who love us yeah they can be present for us and know stuff about us in many ways so sometimes your kid does need a kick in the seat of the pants so to speak and it’s okay you know when it comes to that but overall I really think listening is is key.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yes yes yes so Brenda Tucker Jeffrey says I learned that daughters can be contrary without even knowing it one day they will hopefully say to Mom I wish I would have listened to you you were right as a matter of fact I have I I hate to scoop back but yeah get what’d you get that for me okay this is something that I found good night oh my God OMG my mother was right about everything it is funny how the older I get the more I see things that she was totally right about totally I used to oh I used to get so yeah I would get angry with my mother because when I I got my first job and I’m you know just making a little bit of money well especially compared to today and my mother wanted part of my money and yes well okay you said oh now she said well now you’re going to have to give me uh you know part of your paycheck and I was like why and she said well you’re using my electricity you using my gas you’re using my toilet tissue you’re eating my food but I always you know but yes but and I used to think that was just so wrong until later so I later I knew she was teaching me responsibility because when I get out on my own when I got out on my own I had to do all of that I had to pay my rent you know I had to buy my own food buy my own toilet tissue you know and and and so on so a lot of times when you have these back and forth as as you know with your mom even as an adult she still teaching you lessons now I had a client and her issue was that her mom always criticized her criticized the way she dressed criticized the way she did her hair gets criticized criticized criticized and so it ended up you know with the daughter really really resenting you know started resenting her mom so now if someone comes to you I know she came for to me for that but in your courageous Leadership Academy when you talk about relationships have you ever had let’s let’s say women or daughters that come to you for one thing and then you look and it’s the relationship maybe with your mom or with their daughter that’s affecting everything else?
Denise Garrett
Sure that happens yeah absolutely moms play such a pivotal role like you said we that’s the first relationship we have and yeah absolutely it plays like I love your show I love what you do because relationships matter and relationship matters so I just love it so yeah there’s all sorts of things that come up from moms like my mom like when you said criticize I remember I bring home like a 98 on a test and she would say well I wasn’t it 100 if it was 100 it would have been perfect and so so you know I’m like all excited I made an a I saw like a high a too and then she would say that and I would deflate you know until my dad saw it and my dad saw it and he would be like you made an a you know and it would it built me up a little bit but yeah that that’s a thing like you know I couldn’t please Mom and to some degree I feel like that to this day because like now it’s different because I’m her caregiver and I’m walking a fine line of showing her the respect that she’s due and and I do respect her and being the caregiver and seeing things that have to happen for her to stay in her home where she wants to stay for as long as we can and the care that she needs that I can’t provide but also trying to honor her dignity or help her keep her dignity attack it’s it feels impossible and overwhelming at times but I remind myself I’m doing the best I can and I remind mom that you know there’s just certain things we have to do if you want to stay in your home for as long as you can and I’m here to support that for as long as it’s safe and as long as you cooperate and that’s it’s just a challenge and because it like with a kid when it’s your kid and they’re young you can say you’re doing it because I said so because but you can’t do that with your parent.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
No you cannot I was a caregiver for my mom for a while and sometimes I would get from her I’m Your Mother you are not my mother and I and and you you’re right about it being a thin line a fine line because you you are doing what you feel is best for them right but you still have to respect the fact that she’s the mother you know and I remember having an argument with my mom in the grocery store because if you like to cook with salt pork maybe she had high blood pressure and but that was the way she cooked you know forever and I’m like you don’t need that salt pork and I’m taking it out you know the basket she putting it back in and we arguing back and forth you know and then I started thinking you know what if that’s if she’s just gonna do it she’s just gonna do it and then and I think what happens sometimes when we get into a caregiving role we forget that they are the mother now I I just a couple of um just a couple of comments that came in Joni Coakley she says my middle child asked me for advice and when I tell her something she didn’t want to hear she would get mad fortunately she has matured and really realize that’s me she might not like what I say but she doesn’t blow up it’s been a long process.
Denise Garrett
Yeah that’s a wonderful.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
And Sandy Barney Ennis says luckily I did get that chance oh I amended our relationship after having two daughters and experiencing the same attitudes I had towards her I guess you said to her so Mom when I was younger that’s oh yeah but your daughter that’s beautiful.
Denise Garrett
Yes it is.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Yes it is and then when we were talking about some Maxine says when we’re talking about how moms know their children sometimes moms can read the grandchildren as well yes as well you know that was the thing that kicks in I’m telling you not only that it’s that experience that you know it’s like wait a minute now I’ve been there been there done that you cannot pull the wool over my eyes you know when I was teaching if I would sometimes I tell a parent you know your your daughter did this oh no my daughter would never and I’m like I look at them I’m like okay so when you were her age what did you do oh well yeah okay okay so here is a Gwen Dunbar and she says what about mothers who have multiple daughters and the difference is that the mother makes with them this always seems to be a way to put division with the daughters what do you think about that Denise?
Denise Garrett
It’s that sibling rivalry thing and I wish I knew a way to completely squash it but it’s just it seems like it’s an innate part of our beings that if one’s getting attention we feel slighted and that’s not true because we know like it’s like you love your kids you love them all and they’re each unique and so the way that you love them is slightly different and a lot of people don’t want to say that but it is just because they’re different personality of course you’re gonna be with them a little differently but I think it’s just this innate thing in us so the best you can do is keep doing what you’re doing love them to the best of your abilities reassure them the the you know you’re not you don’t have a favorite that you love them all and you know if they start killing each other over the jealousy break up the fights.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
But sometimes sometimes moms do have favorites yes they do you know they do have favorites but I think what what should happen I don’t know what you know does happen in a lot of because but what should happen is that the mom should sit down with each one of them and let them know that I love you because you know this that and the other and in other words give each one something positive so that they don’t feel slighted but that happens in in a lot of families especially with girls especially with girls the relationship with moms and daughters is totally different from the relationship with moms and sons we always say the a mother loves her son and raises her daughter so Denise if you could think of the fondest memory of you and your mom’s relationship what’s the you’ll find this memory what’s something that will always stay with you?
Denise Garrett
There’s many okay I have to say this isn’t a brag on me and it might sound like that but I don’t intend that the one of the best memories I have with my mom is we were at a home and garden show she saw the statue of a it’s of a little girl reading a book and she just fell in love with the Statue and she was going on and on about it and my immediate thought was is there any way I can buy this for her without her knowing it and give it to her for Christmas and so my aunt was with us and they went somewhere else and then I just I found a way basically to sneak it now I put it in the trunk of my mom’s car because we took her car scared to death she was going to notice it thank God she didn’t but the biggest joy that I have is I still remember the look on her face when she opened that and saw what it was and he just was beaming with so much joy and she was just shocked and she was like how how did you how did you and and I think it just meant a lot to her that I saw something that she really got a lot of Joy from and went to those you know measures to to get it for then I just still remember her face I just still remember her face another one of my favorite memories is we went to the Georgia Aquarium with my father and she was scared to go and there’s a section where you walk through and the the animals are like this fish are like swimming all around you like above you and on both sides and she was scared to go but I like held her hand and I said come on Mom we got this and we did it and when she got in there she was just ooh and on she totally forgot about fear and she just got caught up in the beauty of it and she she held my arm the whole time it was just so sweet just so sweet.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
That sounds so that sounds so sweet and I think that’s one re one thing I’d like to say is even though we have challenges in the adult daughter mother relationship even though it’s a relationship like a roller coaster you know it’s the ups and it’s the downs and it’s the screams and it’s the yales and it’s the crying and it’s the laughter it’s but it’s always something that we can look back on and have that fond memory you know and some of my clients you know I talked to them about when when it comes to when they look back and it’s painful and we talk about forgiveness and it’s like but there’s got to be one thing where you can smile and say well you know what I remember this and it’s a funny story here and I’m not going to say which person on here had this story but and I’ll never forget the story but he said she was away and the security alarm company kept calling her because the alarm was going on but she knows what I’m talking about the alarm kept going on and she come home and and they couldn’t understand why the alarm was going off and so they were looking around you know for the little remote and they couldn’t find it so she would leave and the law would go off against you come back they never could find it so what happened she was there and the alarm went off and she like and I’m not getting the story exactly right and like well where is the remote why is the alarm keep going up why is why is this thing triggering the alarm he found out it was in her mother’s house shoe oh my God oh my goodness that would do it huh because that is so funny to me it is oh my goodness it’s so funny to me and just one little funny thing I remember about my mom we were downtown Chicago at Nordstrom and there’s this big tall escalator and I didn’t know my mother was afraid of escalators so I got on the escalator in front of her and I’m just going I’m just talking you know and I get down to the bottom she way up there is laughing what you doing up there and say oh man let’s find an elevator you know so yeah so there are all kinds of little things that we can think of so Denise well we only got a couple of minutes this time has gone by so fast but I I’m I’m very very happy that you I saw a picture of you and your mom where you all were smiling and and it was just a wonderful picture and I’m I’m very happy that you and your mom are in a really good place and all of my viewers if you are having some challenges and difficulties as far as your relationship with your mom remember whether your mom is with you or not even whether or not you were adopted but your mom is the most important person in your life your mom is the most important person in your life and I want you to remember that so Denise thank you so much for sharing with us thank you so much for just just giving us just some valuable content and just a very enjoyable episode.
Denise Garrett
Thank you I just want to say a big thank you to all the moms out there for all the sacrifices you make for all the love that you give and just for everything you put up with your kids because it’s not an easy job it’s probably the hardest job in the world and I just want to say a heartfelt thank you.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Oh and and this is something to last when a Sandy Barney and it says when my mother was in her last painful stage of cancer hospice has sedated her as if she was in a coma I snuck out to the bathroom and my mom set up and screamed my name no one could believe it she said Sandra her last words oh my God Sam that’s just wonderful you don’t make me cry beautiful Sandy beautiful very beautiful so thank you Denise always a pleasure to be with you.
Denise Garrett
Yes and and thank you so much so you have a beautiful blessed rest of your well evening.
Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Thank you all righty bye-bye thank you all for viewing the show to tonight I do have a show called The mother-daughter relationship show and it’s on the win-win women TV network and I should have had to run across the bottom got so caught up but and that’s where I give tools and techniques about how to navigate the challenges in the mother-daughter relationship but until then and I think that’s about it so thank you all for joining us this evening I hope that you enjoyed the show and I also hope that you really got some valuable information from Denise so I will see you again next week have a beautiful blessed rest of your morning afternoon or evening.