Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
[Music] do [Music] well hello out there good morning good afternoon good evening wherever you are in the world it’s Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman with Relationship Matters TV. First of all, I want to say this: we are sending prayers to the people who are in Miami, Florida for that horrible accident where that building has collapsed. I think what they’re saying now is that there are at least 90 people who are unaccounted for, and so we are all, and I know you are too, sending prayers, and hopefully, they will find as many people as they can who are alive.

Now, what was supposed to happen today? What is that, the Peter Principle? Whatever can go wrong, goes wrong because my guest is not here. I spoke with her earlier today, and what I’m thinking is she’s in a different time zone, and even though I said Central Standard Time, she might have just, and I don’t know, but she’s not here. So what I thought I would do, because I’m on YouTube, Roku, Apple TV, and Android TV and not on Facebook, is play one of my previous shows that people really, really liked. It was a popular show, so I’m going to see if I can share that. You all know I’m not, well, some of you know I’m not really techie, so I’m going to see if I can share it. So I just want you to give me just a moment, and I’m going to share my screen. Here’s a share screen, and I think I’m supposed to go here, and of course, it’s not there. It says Stream Yard wants to share the contents of your screen. Okay, well, share, but it’s not going to where I wanted to go. Okay, um, I know what I’m going to do, so just be patient with me. I know what I’m going to do. I’m going to find this particular show that a lot of people told me they would like to see again. So let me find the show. Let’s find the show. But in the meantime and in between time, what are you all doing out there? Are you having fun? Now, if this is in the evening, we’re in Chicago, and we have storms supposed to come. They’re not here yet, but they will be here soon. There will be all night long, and they’re thinking that we may have flooding. So I have found the show, and on this particular show is Lisa Bubari. A lot of people really liked her show, and I’m going to share that show with you, and hopefully, you will enjoy it. So let me find her again. This is what you call, oh, here she is. Ah, there she is. I even have this going on on regular TV, so I really don’t feel that bad. So let me, I don’t want to play it yet, so let’s do that, and then let’s go. I’m going to share it, so hopefully, you all stay tuned, and we will watch it together. I am sure that my guest, Raphael Forrest, who is an anti-aging expert, just got the time zones messed up because it’s not like her not to do this. So the name of this show is Relationship Matters: How to Gain Mental Empowerment. So let me hit this and share audio and share, and here we go. The circle is just going.

Debbie Spellman
[Music] Welcome to the Seven Steps to Self-Love series, and today we’re going to be talking about step number two, which is self-acceptance. Now, self-acceptance is the doorway towards self-love because the majority of us hold internal stress inside of us, and this internal stress or resistance is because we’re not accepting something or someone in our life, or most of the time, we’re actually not accepting ourselves. So the times that you judge yourself, criticize, beat yourself up, resent yourself, it really creates this self-hate relationship towards yourself. And while you’re having this cycle of self-hate going on in your mind, you never reach a place of acceptance of who you are or what is. Until you reach this place of acceptance, you can’t take responsibility enough to move forward and move on and really just let things go. It’s really impossible to love yourself when you have this cycle of self-hate going on. So today, we’re really going to move from self-hate to self-love through the path of self-acceptance.

Last week, I touched on the negative stories that play in your mind, and I really want to go in and help you understand what is a story. It’s the negative self-talk you say in your mind. It’s almost like you create a whole entire scenario, and this scenario could be about your past, it could be about something in the present that you’re predicting for the future. So as an example, you may have a boyfriend, and he receives a text, and it’s from another lady, and it says, “I’m really looking forward to seeing you soon,” with a kiss. Now, you just fire up into this story, and over the next 20 minutes, two days, two weeks, two months, until you have enough courage to ask what’s going on, you create this story in your mind about confronting him, yelling at him, screaming at him, telling him all your trust issues from past boyfriends. You then think about how you’re going to break up with him, you wonder where you’re going to move to, what life’s going to be like when you’re single, and you start creating this massive story in your mind based on assumptions of seeing that text. Now, the truth is, you find out two, three weeks later, after you’ve made yourself sick with worry and self-doubt, potentially acting really weird because you’ve got this story playing in your mind, that it was, in fact, his cousin who’s coming to see you both and to meet you. It can be as simple as that. We make assumptions on things we see and create stories that give meaning to us based on our past experiences.

So the story in your mind is something that I really want you to start to understand, and I go into this in a lot more detail in the group coaching course I’m going to be running off the back of this because I’ve had so much interest in how you can come to a place of self-love, self-acceptance, self-respect, self-forgiveness, and it actually goes quite deep, and there’s lots of tools and techniques to use. It’s a daily practice that I can’t give it all to you in this mini-series, so I’m going to go into much more depth around what are your stories, dissecting your stories, that’s my dog, finding out where they all come from, and letting them go.

Why is it so important that we have to try and understand the stories we play in our minds? Because only when you start separating yourself from your negative self-talk can you observe what you’re saying to yourself, clarify if it’s true, understand it, detach from the emotions, and let it go. That really is about creating peace of mind because the four main problems I see when it comes to self-acceptance is that people don’t accept who they are, they don’t accept where they are currently in their situation, they don’t accept what’s happening around them, or they don’t accept what has happened in their past. So in this mini-series module, we’re going to go into each of those four elements, and I’m going to give you some background on how you can start accepting all these different parts in order to reach a place of complete self-acceptance.

Now, the first one is accepting who you are, and this is probably the biggest one. You can’t accept who you are until you know who you are, and you don’t know who you are until you take the steps to find out. The first principle here is to understand that you’re not your self-image. Who you think you are is simply your conditioning and your programming based on the feedback and experiences you’ve had in your past. Your self-image is just the way that you view yourself, and unfortunately, it can be quite tainted because the image we have of ourselves could be referencing and associating with all the times that we made mistakes, that we failed, that we’ve had self-doubt, that we haven’t performed at our best, and our self-image references the past a lot in our day-to-day life. Now, unfortunately, if you buy into that story and you believe that you’re your past, you can really get caught up into a helpless state that’s not going to help you move forward, become the best version of yourself, or create a life you love.

So I’m going to give you a few questions to ask yourself that you can work through to help you get to a place of self-acceptance right now. The first question I want you to ask is, am I trying to be someone I am not? Am I people-pleasing and approval-seeking in order to find my own value, and if so, is this working for me? Many times we do things in order to be liked or accepted, and the first step in really unraveling all of this thought pattern is to become very aware of your actions and the intentions behind your actions. Really start questioning, like I spoke about last week in self-awareness, the intentions behind and the stories in your mind that’s causing you to act the way you are.

The second question I want you to ask yourself is, what does it feel like to be me when I’m not trying to improve myself or be someone I’m not? Far too many of us put on this social mask. We’re either pretending everything’s fine when we’re not, or we’re putting on this mask or this hat, being someone else, being more adventurous, being more outgoing, or we’re actually doing the opposite. We’re holding back, we’re not saying what we want because we fear that what we have to say is not smart enough or intelligent enough, or we’re scared of being judged. Now, all these things are stopping you from being who you are, whether you’re putting on the mask and being someone you’re not, or whether you’re holding back out of fear and not allowing your true self to shine. So I want you to get very clear on where you might be putting on this mask and not really being yourself.

The third question I want you to ask yourself is, what if I allowed myself to completely be me? How would things change? I want you to think about that for a moment and write down the answers. If you were completely yourself, how would things change? How would you act? How would you behave? What would you think about yourself? Would you automatically feel a sense of relief that you can just be yourself, you don’t have to try and be anybody else? I want you to write down what would change if you decided to totally and completely let go of your fears and just be you.

Now, the fourth question, what do I need to believe in order to step into this place of peace and acceptance with myself? What do you need to believe? You might need to believe that you’re valuable, that you’re worth something, that you are unique, that you are special, that you have something to give to the world, that you have talents and gifts and abilities that others don’t have. I want you to write down all the things that you need to believe in order to be yourself.

And now let’s look at the fifth question, is there anything stopping me from believing this? Most often than not, this is going to be where the stories kick in. Yes, of course, there’s things stopping me from thinking I’m valuable, I’m worth something, I’ve got unique gifts, talents, and abilities, I’m special. Of course, there is. There’s all the times that you screwed up in the past, there’s all the times you failed, all the times that you proved to yourself you’re not good enough, you’re not smart enough, you’re not pretty enough. It’s just going to continue. The most important thing with this question is to recognize the stories that come up when you ask yourself that and just get them out. Start writing out these stories and recognize that these are the stories that are in fact holding you back every single day, and all they are is just stories. At any point, you can detach from the story and detach from the emotion, and like I said in the group coaching, I’m going to give you specific tools and techniques to do that. But first off, I just want you to really recognize and identify what are the stories that are playing in your mind that’s preventing you from being you and from accepting who you are.

Now, the sixth question, which is actually a step, I want you to step into the person who you are. So when you answered question number three, which was, what if I completely allowed myself to be me, how would things change? And you might have said, I’d be less judgmental, I’d be more relaxed, I’d be more open, I’d be more vulnerable, I would be more giving towards people. Whatever you wrote there, I want you to allow yourself just to step into that place. Notice the stories and put them over here and allow yourself to step into this place. As Marie Forleo says, the best way to change is to act as if. I want you to act as if you’re already this person and really start separating the stories that’s preventing you from being that person.

So then we move on to the second point, and that is acceptance of where you are, where you are currently in your situation in life. Far too often, we blame others, we have regrets, we have resentment, we have all these stories around why we are where we are, and most of the time, it’s partly someone else’s fault. So the very first step towards acceptance and the very first step towards change is to recognize that you need to take 100% responsibility for where you are right now. That involves letting go of the past, which we’re going to go into, and it also involves taking 100% responsibility. If you can’t take responsibility for your actions, perhaps someone did do something that you had no control over, you can start taking responsibility for how you respond to that situation. You can start taking responsibility of letting go of the story, letting go of the situation, and choosing a different response, and that is going to claim back your personal power.

Now, the third step is accepting what is, and that is accepting what is currently happening in your life. It’s not where you are, that’s the last step, it’s what’s actually happening. Far too often, the resistance and the internal stress that we feel that causes all this suffering in our mind is because we’re not accepting what is happening. What is happening in your life right now is neutral. Anything that happens to you is, in fact, neutral. It’s the meaning you give the situation that causes all of your negative emotions. So let’s go into this because this is also along the lines of the story, and that’s why it’s so important to understand the stories that play in your mind. Say, for instance, you’ve just been retrenched, and you could go and whinge and complain to your friends and your family and anybody who listens that it’s unfair that you don’t have a job and your company screwed you over, and you could just continue this story for weeks or months, and it’s creating just your own pity party. It’s not getting you anywhere, it’s not going to change the situation, and it’s not going to move you forward. But far too many of us experience a situation in life that we perceive as bad or negative, and we far too often get caught up in all the story to either justify why what happened happened or to stake our claim or to do anything not accept responsibility, really just blame everyone else for the situation. Now, all this does is keep you in a helpless place. So regardless of what is happening, it’s time to really accept what is and notice the meaning you give to what is happening because it’s the meaning that causes your suffering, and at any point, you can let go of that story and let go of the meaning and change it.

And the final step four is acceptance of what has happened, and that is acceptance of your past. Far too often, we hold on to blame and resentment and regret and unforgiveness and hurt and pain from the past because on some level, we feel justified to hold on to this. We feel like we’ve been wronged, and all this does is not allow you to reach a place of acceptance in yourself, an acceptance of what is. So it’s time to let go of the past, and in our next module, we’re really going to talk about self-compassion and self-forgiveness, and that is really letting go of all of the stories in your past because while you’re holding on and have any associations or links to the past and you feel justified through blame or through regret or through resentment or unforgiveness of holding on to these stories, it’s keeping you stuck. It’s keeping you stuck in fear, and it’s keeping you stuck in life, and it’s not going to enable you to move forward and become the person you’re meant to be. So this last step is really about recognizing where you might be holding on to the past and just come to a place of complete acceptance. Over the next few steps, there’s going to be a few tools to help you reach a place of acceptance, especially around forgiving yourself, which is a massive one. Most of the time, it’s simply your own self-hate or self-judgments or self-criticism that’s in fact keeping you stuck and not allowing you to step into who you’re meant to be. So reaching a place of self-acceptance on all of these four levels of who you are, of where you are, of what is happening, and what has happened is going to enable you to do a clean sweep of not only your past but your present and yourself to reach a place of complete acceptance. From this place of complete acceptance, you can begin to make massive changes in who you are as a person to live more authentically and to create a future that’s not based upon who you think you are or your past. So I look forward to seeing you next week when we really delve into self-compassion and self-forgiveness. Self-forgiveness is extremely powerful in releasing those ties from the past, and it’s one module you just can’t miss. So I look forward to seeing you then. Thank you.

Dr. Janice Hooker Fortman
Well, you know what? The Lord works in mysterious ways. Now, I didn’t click on that one. I called myself clicking on one of my previous shows, but you know what? Somebody out there and in here needed to hear that. I am just amazed at that, and I started, you know, at first I was all like, oh, and I started writing stuff down. What would happen if I allowed myself to be me? Well, I think I’m me, but think about that as far as you are concerned. You know, do you allow yourself to be who you really are? And acceptance of where you are, I didn’t write down everything, but acceptance of where you are, and a lot of us, we, you know, we’ll say, oh, I want to be here, I want to be there, or I’m too fat, I’m too skinny, or whatever, you know, and then taking the 100% responsibility of where you are, which keeps us from complaining because I always thought that myself is that wherever you are in life, you’re there because you put yourself there. So take responsibility. And what else did, and accepting what is, this is what I wrote, all of this is what I wrote down, accepting what is. It’s amazing. And what I would like you all to do, some of you all who know me, I can receive messages on Facebook, so DM me or for the ones who have my telephone number, text me and tell me what you think about that because now I’m thinking that one of my future shows, we would really talk about this because that was, to me, an exceptional, exceptional, exceptional, I guess, I don’t know what you call it, but you know, a little show or her presentation, that was an exceptional presentation. And as I said, the Lord works in mysterious ways because I thought, oh my God, this, wow. But anyway, I did get a message from Ralph Fan, and she had a family emergency. She apologized and said it was just something unavoidable, and she hopes that she could come on a future show, which of course I would definitely have on a future show, and I would let everybody know because she is an anti-aging expert. I thought I would have her on because I was on Facebook, and I happened to see her, and she was talking about skin, and she works with women who are 40 and over, and she had some, excuse me, she had some before and after pictures, and I thought, oh, wait a minute now, and she talked about these things right here, you have to lift those up, and everything is natural. But one thing she did say, and I don’t know if all of you out there use this, but she said she talked about the importance of vitamin C serum and retinol, and how there’s all kinds of different retinols and vitamin C serums, and that you really had to do your research. But I’m not going to go all the way into it because I’m going to let her talk about that. So I still have to play my commercials, so I will be right back, and you who are on YouTube, you can put in some comments if it won’t knock you off. So I will be right back.

[Music] From right to left and every angle in between, know what I mean? In this day and age, so many seem like they lost inside a world and held captive in a dream, a glimpse of mediocracy sacred for the team. And even though this path is long and this place is overseeing, gotta keep your feet moving, filling spaces in between, seeing places in your dreams. If you complacent by your means, by all means, go back to sleep. The path is steep, there’s no rest for the weary. If you intend to reach peaks, it gets deep. Come on, it’s infinite, we still climbing. Yes, yes, you are, and thanks for the positive vibes, but I still got a mountain to climb. Just take it one step at a time, survive, not gonna swallow my pride. I’ll never give up, cause when it’s all said and done, is what I’ve done enough? I push myself to the end, to push myself to the brink. Here’s the toilet, beautiful life.

[Music] I’m back. So what I’m, I’m not going to do the whole hour show this evening because I know you just don’t want to listen to me talk for the next, what is that, 25 minutes. But I appreciate all of you who tuned in, and I really hope, I really sincerely hope that you did get something, that you took to heart what that presentation was about because I took it to heart. I really, really did. As a matter of fact, I will probably play it over again, you know, just so I can listen to it and look at it again. And if you would like to, you can direct message me or for the ones who know me, you can text me, and I will give you that again because I, you know, I keep saying it, but I just thought that that was amazing. So with that, tune in next week, and we will have another show. Maybe she’ll be able to come on next week, but if not, I’m definitely going to have her on. But in the meantime and in between time, remember relationships matter, and life is all about relationships. So I will see you all next week. I want to take care, be blessed, and stay safe. Bye.

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